Back and forth, same as always. They recognized the issues, to some extent, but then pushed them off again and again, over and over, and instead of truly recognizing where things were headed, both of them sort of just let things slide past, further and further from the path they wanted to walk. And yet they never took that moment to stop and realize they were lost, that they could no longer see the path ahead.

Just like every time it was brought up, the Commander opened her mouth to tell him to wait until morning. As winter descended upon the Regime, the cold crept in, and suddenly, traps were slowly not being enough anymore. The snow would start soon, and Shule had a sneaking suspicion it would be a bad season. On top that, things were piling up. She couldn't keep Dusky in the Regime, was still distrusting of Eartha though right now the she-cat was the only member of their medical staff, they were out a Chaman or Guider Superior. Everything kept spiraling down.

Then it stopped. And Shule took in a sharp breath at his declaration, the words to quell this argument for another day dying in her throat. Her first instinct was to snap at him to just leave if he was unhappy, but instead, she simply blinked slowly, walked over, and sat down in front of him, her shoulders drooping under invisible weight. Even before the conversation started, she could feel anger, resentment, anxiety, and most of all fear, filling up her chest.

The usually strong Commander seemed to have a hard time looking her mate in the eye, and suddenly, she didn't seem like the scary Mercenary who could take anyone on. She looked unusually... real. Shule stared at him for a long moment, searching his eyes with her own, making herself meet them instead of shying away. "Yeah. We do need to talk." She answered, voice softer towards him than it probably had been in moons.

Shule nodded silently in response to his proposition.

It was easier now, with just them, to see the stress in her eyes and body, like the weight of the tunnels rested on her shoulders, which it did, in a way. The black feline looked far more downtrodden, but there was an openness in her expression, even as hurt flitted across it. Because she knew Sean was right. She would shove excess things on him that involved family, because she... felt the need to take the bigger things, to ensure they were done to her standards, even when she knew others could do just as well themselves.

"I expected us to be able to confide in each other, be strong when the other can't. I thought we'd be able to divide the emotional load so neither of us got overwhelmed. That if I was stressed about a food shortage, you would just sit there and listen, and be able to comfort me. That if you were feeling down, you could come and tell me, and I could support you. But I feel like I can't tell you anything, that I have to be the strong one, because I know you can't. I know you're suffering, and I don't know how to help. I feel like the only option I have is to keep my problems to myself, that I have to be strong for us both, and if I actually tell you how hard it is, that you won't be able to cope, or worse.. you'll abandon me entirely." Her voice broke slightly at the end of her last sentence, and there was a genuine look of fear in her eyes. She was terrified of being honest with him, and him not being able to handle it. Shule had promised to follow the rules though, so she had to face it, even if she didn't want to.

It was all very sweet. It was exactly like Sean to see her actually show a touch of emotion, and flip himself into overdrive saying whatever he thought might make her smile. Very endearing. If this had been any of their other conversations, this would easily have been the end, tacking on yet another band-aid onto an injury that clearly wasn't going to be fixed by such a small gesture.

Slowly, Shule pulled her paw away from his. She wiped away the tears in her own eyes, then his, and then set her paw back down, but not back onto his. "Sean." Her voice was soft, but it would undoubtedly bring him back to reality when he realized his words weren't working. Shule even pronounced his name correctly, which she almost never, ever did, and that was absolutely bound to get his attention.

"We promised that we would keep at this conversation until we came to a conclusion. We promised to be honest. Deflecting with beautiful fantasies isn't going to work this time. Maybe one day those dreams will be reality again, but for tonight, all they are is pretty words that aren't going to fix this." She lifted a leg, her white paw motioning slowly between them. "I wish I could believe that you wouldn't ever leave me. But I already told you, that's exactly what I fear. And it's going to take more than you promising in an attempt to make me feel better for me to be certain."

If only things could become perfect with honey words and blood bound promises. That wasn't reality though. And now that the door to this conversation had been opened, Shule wasn't willing to close it, even if Sean started pushing at the other side. "Part of the problem is that we're both too willing to just cover up the problem and move on without ever confronting it. We think we know each other, and maybe once upon a time, we did. But now, I'm realizing we don't know each other well at all. I don't even know what rocks you collected this moon, let alone understand best how to support you on your bad days. And you didn't even realize I needed more from you, because you never noticed I kept the heaviest stuff from you, or at least, you didn't question it, and I didn't try to reach back out, so how could you understand that I was struggling in my own ways when you were being left in the dark?"

Shule hated to hear it. And even though he didn't mention their kits... it was pretty obvious that there was a connection there, and the Commander closed her eyes, sitting in silence when he stopped speaking for a long few moments. Her shoulders pulled back slightly in tension, and the longer she sat, the more worried Sean probably became.

Internally her mind swirled, replaying her return over and over again in her mind. Foxstar kidnapping her had broken her, in more ways than Sean could even know. He couldn't know just how painful it was to watch Glowstar love someone who'd done so much harm, nor how returning to see her mate and kits was the sole reason she'd been able to keep going. That being lost and all on her own, having to learn all the skills to survive she was never taught, she would cry herself to sleep some nights, lamenting the loss of everything she knew. He wasn't there when she couldn't sleep at all, hyper-vigilant to the dangers around her, or when the only way she was able to get through to those who wished her harm was through violence, a mark they wouldn't soon forget.

When her eyes slowly fluttered open, she stared absently at the floor next to Sean, still save for her rapid breathing. She took a steadying breath. "I know." Silence again. No excuses, just acknowledgement, and then retreating back into her mind without giving him a proper answer for what must have felt like an eternity.

Back before she was kidnapped, she'd never had such temper issues. At the very least, not to the extent of murdering, or near murdering, someone for things that were comparatively minor to what she'd done. She could still envision the very day she returned, the endless emotions when she embraced Sean, and the complete and utter hatred for him in the moment he told her he gave their kit away. That anger still sat in the shadows of her heart, twisting itself into a small kernel of resentment that despised the very tom before her.

"When I finally found the tunnels again, I was so happy. I nearly died more times than I can count while trying to find the clans again, trying to learn to keep myself alive. All I wanted was to be able to spend the night with you and the kits, to hear what had happened while I was gone. To be able to relax. When you told me they were gone, I snapped, and I don't think I've ever recovered from that. I watched all the dreams and hopes I had crumble right before my eyes, and the only thing I could think of was getting them back, of making sure I had all my family back together again. I shouldn't have gotten so angry with Glowstar, when she did nothing wrong, and was a victim of Foxstar herself, and I tore apart our family more than ever in my efforts to repair it. I was wrong. I never took the time to step back and build myself back up from all the things that broke me. Instead, I've never stopped moving, one thing after another, to keep the Regime functioning, to try and keep our family safe, and lashing out at anyone and anything that I mentally put as a roadblock to those goals, without ever actually considering if they were a threat until I'd done things I couldn't take back. I'm still broken into so many pieces I don't even know where to start to fix myself, let alone all the things I've destroyed because of my failures to even put myself first, let alone you or the rest of our family." Shule was half rambling at this point, breaking down her own feelings around herself and the situations she was involved in, in real time. Finally admitting that she went too far, and instead of prioritizing the things that would actually fix the situation, she raged at everyone else instead of acknowledging her own faults.

"I'm still so angry at you for giving away our kits. I know I shouldn't be. But in ignoring myself and never processing those emotions I felt, I put you at the center of anger you don't deserve, snapping at because every time I look at Kaisra, Dusky, Cinnamon, I see what could have been, and I become so filled with rage over that loss. I don't want to keep thinking of you like that, when I know you'd have never thought of me so harshly, let alone put my family through the same hell I did yours." She finally turned her head back to meeting his gaze as some of the tension seemed to dissolve from finally getting that had weighed on her so heavily for years off of her chest. Finally acknowledging the issues and mentally sorting through events that haunted her dreams. It wasn't anywhere near where she needed to be, but actually admitting it was a start. "You also hide things from me, Sean. You fear my reaction, and so by the time I hear about it, I know that there's a strong likelihood that whatever it is has been going on for a lot longer than I could know. And then I overreact, or otherwise lash out harshly based upon my guess as to how things actually are, when I'm striking in the dark and have no idea how long the situation has actually built up until the point I do hear about it. Rarely does it feel like I can get the actual scope of a situation until after I've acted and everyone tells me how badly I judged what was actually going on."

"I think you're braver than you realize, Sean." Shule's voice was soft, but she made sure to keep her eyes on him. "None of this is what I wanted to hear, and I don't like any of it. But whatever happens, I appreciate that you were brave enough to have this conversation, to tell me the truth, even when it hurt. To tell me to my face how horrible I have been to you, and point out my flaws, despite your fears. It's not what I wanted, but this is needed, and a long time in coming." Even for all the mixed feelings in her heart, she truly did want him to know that she respected his ability to insist on this conversation and then not hold back. That was more strong than she'd been.

"And I know 'I'm sorry' doesn't even begin to fix how I've treated you, but I feel horrible that I've done that to you. I should have realized it so long ago, and I didn't, and you don't deserve to live in fear because of my inability to control myself. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to lie just to keep the peace. It's not fine that you have to fear the truth on my account. For that I'm more sorry than I could ever express, and I hope that one day soon, you won't need to be terrified of coming to me with the truth. It'll be a lot of work on my part, but if it helps, then it's all worth it." Even if they didn't stay together, Shule did want to be a better person, a better parent, a better Commander, and it was glaringly apparent that all these same things that caused them trouble were very similar, if not the same at their core, to things that were hindering other aspects of her life, and she needed to fix them, not just for Sean, but for everyone else around her, and for herself. She couldn't live in her own fears, and then take everything she bottled up out on others. That was wrong.

"It's okay to not be brave every single second, too." Shule added in. "Just because you're capable of much more than you know, doesn't mean you have to destroy yourself to achieve it."

She had no idea how to help him in this moment. More than that, she didn't know if she had a right to try and comfort him, how he would react if she even tried. He'd already gone through so much by her own paws, and his own demons, and Shule wasn't sure whether anything she said only made things a million times worse, or helped him in any way. She could feel the guilt in her heart alongside all the other emotions she didn't even try to push away, though for the moment this one ruled alongside anger turned to herself for what she'd done. She deserved much more than just these feelings to compensate for all she'd taken of him.

Honestly, Shule didn't know where to even take the conversation from here. There was probably more they needed to air out, and yet, all she wanted to do was make Sean feel better. Heh. Now she was on the verge of the same thing she'd just chided him for earlier. "You don't need permission to have emotions, despite what I've shown you in the past. You have the right to be upset, to feel however you want about it all."

Shule nodded silently. "I understand." She had far less reason to hate him, but she understood not being able to forgive just yet, especially something of such magnitude. "I think I have. Before we cut off this conversation though.. we should pick our next day to talk. It doesn't have to be tomorrow, or even the day after that, but we should decide now, when to revisit this. Today we got our grievances out into the open. But if we don't set a time while we're here, we might risk falling back into old patterns, and then we're back where we started. At least until we've done this enough to be used to it, or be comfortable with this level of honesty, it can't hurt to set a schedule. If we are able to communicate more than what we schedule, that's great, if not, at least we have a start."

While she would have loved just to call it that and be done with it, she knew full well she could too easily just let things go back and do nothing. For her own sake, and for whatever chance they had to remain together, she needed to make sure they kept up honest communication. Whatever that communication happened to be the days they talked, it didn't all have to be bad. Eventually, they'd have to make a decision, and talking properly would help them come to it. Though for her part, Shule intended to work on herself and hopefully not lose Sean, if she could help it.

Shule took a breath. One that she almost choked on when he suggested giving Kotori a shot again. Sean would have been right to hate his son forever for whatever Kotori did, and she herself had been struggling to do more than tread a very thin line with Kotori, where she wouldn't entirely upset the Regime, but wasn't shutting him out either. She nodded slightly. "Take the next few days off, I'll let the other Sentinels know so you aren't worried about needing to work, and can just sort things out. You deserve the break." The Commander didn't give herself a chance to even consider refusing. She could easily have argued against it, if she wanted. It wasn't like she was just allowed to take days off. But that wouldn't help anything.

"As for Kotori... perhaps we should bring that up again in four days? I want to give him a chance." She closed her eyes briefly. "But it's not quite that simple, depending on what exactly you mean. It may be better to talk through when emotions aren't already running high." It's not that she wanted to push off this conversation, but she also wanted to make sure he wasn't going to relax, think about it, and want to go back on it. On top of the logistics of it all. If Sean meant allowing Kotori to join the Regime... they needed to be very careful about it, for Kotori's safety. Right now she couldn't guarantee she'd be in a state of mind to do that properly.

Shule had hoped to be able to relax, to maybe break down for once and have a good cry before having to make a plan to fix herself, her marriage, and keep the Regime afloat through the looming winter. But no. Eartha just had to come and mess it up.

Admittedly, her expression wasn't as friendly as it otherwise might have been, on a better day. "Sean isn't your ex, Eartha, and I don't want to keep your son around if he's going to secretly hate me for it."