Mom: I know if you were still here you would tell me I don't deserve this. You would tell me to move on and to let them figure it out themselves. You would tell me I don't deserve to cry my eyes out in bed over something that should be fun and over people who have proven time and time again that they don't like you. You would tell me to stop subjecting myself to a place that does not care about my opinion and does not want my help. You would tell me that I should have stayed gone and that I had made a massive mistake. After all, this was the very site who had started a coup against you for simply speaking your mind despite years of service. The same site that you've frequently voiced others concerns because they were too scared to do it themselves, knowing fully that I would be labelled the bad guy, but of course I'd rather be labelled the bad guy other then anyone else.

Yet here I am again. This site has a way of drawing you back in, especially when it's in need of help. You're right, mom. I have every right to leave, and I'm sure you're up there right now screaming at me to say screw it because I don't deserve it, but you didn't raise a quiter mom. Then again, when do you just let something go? What do you do when the site is decaying from the inside out? What do I do mom?

ashestoashes I don't think anyone will blame you or be upset with you for leaving. Everyone is just glad that you're okay! Has your life settled down a bit now? More importantly, do you feel happy now?

I'm really glad to see you around again, though. I know we weren't close friends or anything, but Classic is still a family for most of us, so it's really nice to have you back ♡

I have been dealing with anxiety for a long while. I went to counseling in High School because of an unhealthful English teacher. The only use the counseling was to me was it took me out of class for an hour once a week. The counselor kept trying to show me ways to cope with my anxiety, all I could think about was what was the cause. I suppose it was helpful in some way. I remember when I had my a-ha moment to the root of my public speaking anxiety. I just cared to much about what people thought about me. Obvious now that I look back at it, but it never clicked in until I spoke in front of a bunch of strangers for the first time in my life.

Now it's social and sometimes situational anxiety. Most of it is over thinking, going over past events. Or thinking about what ifs. I have been recently wondering if I am addicted to this symptom of my anxiety. I feel back, but I also feel really good at the same time.

Now that I have worked in customer service for over 3 years, my social anxiety is a little easier at times. I just put on my customer service persona and have at it. But when I find myself actually trying to socialize I still stumble over my words. Or say something socially unacceptable because I have let my emotions take control.

Recently I have been contemplating how I would like to further my fight on my anxiety. I am unmediated and would like to stay that way as long as I am not a safety hazard to the people around me. I have been contemplating working on my lifestyle first and changing things that may further inflate my anxiety. Example, not consuming products that have caffeine in it like coffee, pops and chocolate. Eating and exercising more. Set a sleep scheduled. Eventually I want to completely cut out unnatural sugars from my diet and solely eat whole foods.

I am just wondering if I correct these behaviors, would my anxiety be better, worse or the same(obviously no one but my own body can answer this after at least a couple of months of following the lifestyle I am thinking about). Regardless of the outcome of the lifestyle change, I assume it would be good for my body nonetheless. Just seeing where I am after that and taking new steps accordingly. I just don't want to take medications. I have been battling this for years without medications, and I know if I play my cards right I can finally overcome it. Maybe I just need to suck it up and say 'no more'.

Maybe it is an addition for me. Anxiety is my drug. A friend once told me that everyone has an addition. It may not be a common addiction like alcohol and drugs. For some people it is religion, some it's sports. I think mine is anxiety, and the self pity it brings with it.

On alighter note than some of the other stuff in this thread my posting anxiety has been at an all-time high for the last two weeks, which has extended into sending DMs to IRL friends but that's a story for another day LOL

I can rewrite the same message or post for ages and still whenever I think about posting it it feels like my blood pressure spikes up, i spent something like two and ahalf hours a few nightds ago and still I was like oh no i can't post this I cant get it right and it was seriously like three sentences, I can't even right three sentences lmao. My chest gets all tight and I can hear the blood in like my temples and BIYUU YOU CAN'T POST THAT IT SUCKS EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AT YOUR POSTS BEHIND YOUR BACK EVERYONE HATES IT WHEN YOU SHOW UP IN AN OPEN THREAD WHEN YOU TAKE A KIT WHEN YOU GO IN VOICE CHAT WHEN YOU MESSAGE SOMEONE WHEN YOU REPLY TO A PLOTTING THREAD EVERYONE'S LIKE "WELL THIS THREAD IS RUINED. And I'm like well that's probably not all true and my ape brain is like NO IT IS TRUE NOW GO LIE IN BED AND WATCH SURVIVOR FOR SEVEN HOURS IN A ROW INSTEAD OF BEING SOCIAL. And then I do just that because I'm a slave tomy biology. If I do post a thread i start rewriting it in my head and i have to shut my laptop and go do something else that isn't cat roleplay because I WILL go back and edit all my posts that day if I don't stop myself somehow lmao

So if you see me around the site but Im not replying to a thread we have...this is whats going on unless you're ian in which case I'm just being lazy xD Idk I think the solution is to just post the darn things anyway and try get over it because I don't really think I can see a therapist and tell them I'm having anxiety over roleplaying cats on the internet. O rcan I???
Anyway this is stream of consciousness writing you're getting the unfiltered biyuu which is an exciting prospect I'm sure, now I gotta hit reply before I back out owo

I'm posting this here because it's causing me anxiety but it probably doesn't belong here I don't know.

So you know that feeling when you write or read something over and over and over and your brain sort of takes over and it doesn't even look or sound real anymore? I'm having that sensation about gender. It's been causing me a considerable amount of... feelings.

I first noticed it when I started seeing that lots of us have things in the pronoun spot other than pronouns on here. It... triggered me. In a weird way, like I got hurt by it. And it wasn't rational and isn't a problem or why this post is being made, but it did call some thoughts to my attention. I've always identified as female but I haven't always liked it, as a kid I would beg my mother for "boy clothes" and I used to write letters signing them "Mortimer" because my nickname was Mo and for a kid that's as creative as I could get. Plus I was a big Inkheart fan.

Anyway, there have been other superficial things throughout my life, moments of extreme defensiveness and such, times where my family seemed to feel the need to reenforce that I should play with BRATZ dolls and wear dresses. But I don't know what it means or how to feel and now seeing my own pronouns on my profile feels weird and I have a strange dissociative feeling. It's been a persistent things for weeks now, and it's always been a bit of something inside me that just feels... not quite right. Are there times where I feel 100% like she/her fits? Yep. But other times it feels off, like a puzzle piece that you know doesn't quite go there but you try to put it there anyway.

I'm of course familiar with transgender but, from what my friends and cousin have shared with me, that isn't the puzzle piece either.

This probably makes no sense but I'm not letting myself reread because I'll just erase this and continue to feel sensitive and confused and I don't know. I'm sorry.

I know no one knows me well yet but I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress. I am currently a long term substitute teacher as a preschool teacher. Since December I have been teaching online through zoom (its quite an interesting experience teaching 4 year olds online xD). There was a lot of talk about going back in person and for a long time my teaching partner and I thought we would be online the entire year. So a week from Thursday we learned that we were going back in person in 2 weeks, we are not prepared nor did we prepare the kids. So basically I have been scrambling to figure out what the actual heck I am going to do teaching in person AND ONLINE at the same time (as long as my job is extended, it expires the end of February). This is also my first teaching job since I graduated May last year (go figure -_-). Oh and my school has literally nothing for us to use (which is starting to look like we might have a few things left) because of a fire last summer.

I am hoping that I get to keep this job because it has helped me so much through my grief. I lost my grandma last year to cancer, and it has been super hard on me because she raised my brother and I. Its not the first time I've lost someone but this is someone I was super close to and it was my first expected death. So I am super stressed out and my anxiety has been high the last week.