I’m intoxicated and will probs regret this tomorrow when im sobered up

But the amount of times I’ve been suicidal since my mom died is astonishing. Honestly I’m surprised I haven’t done it yet. Actually I’m surprised I haven’t killed myself after 22 years of this crappy lifestyle. I mean tbh talking about this on a cat site isn’t the best place to put it, especially since yknow I’m intoxicated and I’m sure a good portion of y’all don’t really like me as a person. I mean I don’t really like myself so I don’t blame you.

I miss her, and I count the days since she’s passed. It will be 4 months on the 31st of this month. This is the first Fourth of July without her. She won’t get to see the fireworks this year. It really sucks that she won’t get to.

Honestly, I’m holding a bachelors degree in psychology now. You’d think I’d have learned how to cope after 4 year of schooling, but I haven’t. I thought I was kicking depressions butt, but honestly, I’m not too sure anymore. I can’t help but feel if I wasnt around people would be better off. Even my family is tired of my shifts in mood these past few weeks. I can tell they don’t want to be around me.

Nothing I'm about to say here compares to what others have gone through andor are going through but it needs to be shared so it's at least not trying to eat me alive like it has been these past couple of weeks? Months? I lost track honestly.

I have this bad habit of thinking about the past for some reason, like the word choice I use with people. I take that kind of thing to heart and it messes with me mentally. I feel like trash half the time because I'm too busy thinking about it all the time. I wouldn't say I feel suicidal or anything, I just wish there was a way to not feel this way half the time. I think I care too much and that's why? If I try not caring as much I notice I become distant and cold. Everyone, no matter the relationship, gets treated the same way. I dont have an in between I guess that's what it's called.

Anyway, that's about as much as I'm willing to type on a mobile device

hey guys, sorry i disappeared for a month or so (or longer), admittedly it hasn't been very easy for me lately with classic. i feel... lonely. maybe this is all in my head and not true, but... i don't know, i feel like it is. i really miss classic. i miss having fun, plotting, coming up with characters i'm excited about, playing, partaking in events... just being a member and enjoying myself. i've talked to a couple of people over the past few months and it definitely seems like it's more of a me thing, nobody else really experiences the sense of being an outcast and being alone, so maybe it's just me creating a situation for myself that doesn't exist but.

i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to anymore. which really doesn't help my depression. the only time i ever felt like i had friends i could talk to and hang out with and just... have fun with was when i was on classic. when i'm on classic.

but i also always feel like i have to put on this mask and be the bright, bubbly person i was 5 years ago.

like if i'm just myself, warts and all, nobody will want to be my friend. my genuine friend and be there with me throughout it.

maybe that's because i've pushed myself away from having friends.

or maybe it's because nobody wants to be my friend.

i've tried finding other places to play. i've tried creating my own sites, thinking that would solve it. i've joined other warriors sites, both on proboards and jcink, thinking that if i tried hard enough i could be enveloped in their community and have that feeling i had 5 years ago.

i don't know what's so special about 5 years ago. maybe it's because i was more secure in who i was as a person. i was active, i was optimistic. maybe it's because 5 years ago i was 18 and not riddled with anxiety, paranoia, lack of self-confidence and fear of abandonment.

which is honestly hilarious because i've never been abandoned by anyone in my life, so i'm not sure why i have that.

classic is it for me. which is... really unfortunate, actually, because every time i come up with a character idea, i want it on classic. every time i come up with a plot, i want to have it on classic and play it out on classic and invite classic members to play it out with me. but i'm also so completely absorbed in this feeling that i keep myself from doing it because... who's actually going to want to do it with me?

i don't know. i really need someone to talk to. i need a friend. i feel like anymore now and everyone in my life is so preoccupied with what they're doing in their life that they don't have time for my whining. i don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it because... in the end i feel like what they're going through is more important than what i'm going through. so i suffer through it on my own, telling myself it'll be better if i just find a community that can fix me.

but i don't know what there is to fix. and what really frustrates me is that this is just a cat site, and yet almost every day i long for it. mostly for the connection and friendship, but also because by god i just really love playing a cat and the stories that comes with it. warriors is nostalgic for me and classic is especially nostalgic for me.

to be honest this was just going to be a simple 'hey, sorry i did my trademark thing and disappeared again! look forward to the next time i do it!' thread but i wound up putting it here because i thought the content that wound up erupting from me like word vomit would be too dark for somebody to innocently stumble upon.

after so long, i feel like i just need to get it out in the open and for somebody to read it and understand what's going on inside my head and heart because other than the two of us, no one else knows. especially in real life. i struggle with depression so bad i find myself crying when i wake up in the morning and crying before i go to sleep at night, but i don't feel comfortable telling anyone in my family because, again, i feel like the problems they're facing are so much bigger than my own. so i push it away.

i really miss classic. i miss the clans i led, i miss the rev groups especially. i miss my friends. i miss the characters that have literally embedded themselves in my heart, like my adorably grumpy ghoulmask and my sarcastic sassy boi labyrinthiansoul. i can't play them anywhere else because they belong here.

i miss not feeling alone. it's such a soul-crushing, freezing feeling that it leaves me wishing i had hot cocoa and a warm hug from the people that would make the most difference: the people on classic.

i don't know. i know there are a lot of problems surrounding my existence. i know i've made a name for myself and not a very good one. i have a reputation of disappearing without a trace for months on end only to come back and pretend it's all okay. i have a reputation of starting flame wars only to try and reconcile and pretend it didn't happen. in my mind, i'm no better than any of the other cyber criminals you may stumble upon or hear of, and i have a feeling in your mind you see me as that too.

i've come to the realization that i'm too... old and too used to a certain way of roleplay to just move on and join another site and mold myself to that way of life. i'm so used to how classic works that going to another site just feels foreign and unwelcome, no matter how much they send me smiley emotes and hugs. the discord chats are too busy, too many channels and too confusing for some old roleplayer like me. and classic's clans... no one can recreate classic's clans. i mean hey, i tried creating classic-esque clans on immunity to give myself that same feeling and by the time the site was done, i wanted nothing to do with it because it wasn't classic.

i don't want to face the idea that i should just hang my hat and call it quits because i'm 23 and the only friend i have in real life brings up my ex-boyfriend to hurt me every time we're on a call or hanging out. the only true friends i've ever had is on classic and because of my incessant need to rise through the ranks, taste that delicious taste of being a deputy or leader of a clan again, of being able to help out, of feeling needed and wanted clouds my judgment and sends me back on that roller coaster ride.

i don't know what to do anymore. how do i make this feeling of being unwanted on classic go away? i can't get the thought out of my head that when i'm gone, life for classic's community is better. that i'm not an asset or benefit or hell, even a friend to classic's community but the opposite in every way, even though i don't want to be, because of either prior choices i've made or just... because that's who i am.

do i even have any friends on here anymore? have i turned them all against me? i still talk to one or two on skype, but i can't shake the feeling that it's more out of polite regard than friendliness that keeps their line of contact open for me...

i don't know where to go if it isn't classic. i thought about asking people here if they have sites that they're on, if i could try and find some warmth and sunshine in their presence even if it isn't on classic, but i also always get this feeling, every time i leave the site or am absent for a while, that if i'm not on classic where they are... i'm no longer of any worth or interest. there isn't that barrier and common factor between us to keep the friendship and communication going, so it just stops and then i'm left thinking i've made a mistake because i no longer have any friends that want to talk to me about anything other than classic.

i know this is all a disorganized mess of feelings and thoughts but i don't know who to talk to or if i can even talk to anybody. this thread's the only thing i have to just let myself be heard, even if you're the only one reading it. even if i've made you angry halfway through this entire barrage of information. maybe you've already clicked away, having had it with my whining and incessant 'pity me' pleas. and if you're still here, i hope you see this for what it is: a cry for help.

even if you can't help, just knowing you're here reading this makes me feel a little bit better. a little less lonely. there's still that voice in my head that says 'nobody's here reading this, they saw your username and steered clear of that as though you were a parasite' but for my own sanity, i'd like to think there's at least one person out there: you. whoever you are, wherever you are, please know that i appreciate you being there and i love you more than anything for being there. even if that's just to read this awfully organized entry.

y'know, since you're here, i might as well start talking about the positive things i've been thinking about when it came to classic. like, the other day, i was watching The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning don't judge me, i paid for a year long subscription to disney+, it's only gonna get worse from here on out and i was like 'wow these are some great names, y'know where these would fit really well? PI' and i was like 'wow it could be a whole family, i could get inspiration from their personalities, we could come up with a big story for them!'

at least that was until i remembered that, ahem, i'm me and me on classic winds up being everything i talked about above.

then i was watching Frozen and Frozen II i'd like to think i'm olaf but i'm more like elsa in her emo stage, don't let them in, don't let them see and i was like 'y'know what would be cool? if we did a whole frozen family in winter, with the elsa character having this like infatuation with snow'

i keep coming up with all of these character names that i really want to use and put in different places, like i know exactly where they'd go and they'd fit perfectly, but i keep being held back by everything i explained above.

i don't know. before long i'll probably have a notebook filled with ideas i have for classic and characters and stuff specifically for classic but... it probably won't happen. i don't know. i just...

even if i create characters and post threads, who'll respond? who'll want to step out and be associated with me?

i'm a plague. like... like, i'm that terrifying terrible thing everybody's been talking about in the world today and everybody needs to stay six feet away so they don't get infected. i'm a virus.

i miss having friends and being happy and enjoying myself and feeling like everything's gonna be okay.

sigh i just miss classic.

also i didn't know where to put this because there's no 'depression support thread' or 'i feel like a pariah support thread', so i put it here. i'm not exactly a threat to myself as far as self-harm or suicide goes, but i do feel hopeless.