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Post by Honeystorm on Jan 26, 2020 16:34:41 GMT -5
( Cleaver Okay, I couldn't help myself. I want to see what happens. xD )
A certain fox-furred feline was looking for a certain former mate of hers, a black and white tom who could never seem to escape her for too long. It was probably about time they talked again. Foxbane didn't really know what she was thinking, her paws moved far before her mind caught up, and she briefly had to stop in the forest, wondering what in the hell she was thinking. She'd been shocked to reality, and had to really examine her motives as of late, but this, she wasn't certain about. Even recognizing how the pain came about, and how ridiculous it all was, it didn't stop the little spark in her heart of anger that wished to just destroy him again. It would be all too easy to hold onto it and let it blossom into that same familiar hatred all over again. Would it be smarter to just leave this one little thing untouched, to forget even trying to do anything at all, just to spare the potential spiral back, when she'd just started to get her life together again?
She couldn't say. She couldn't even say she wanted to talk with him again for reasons that weren't selfish, because this one was about her. Foxbane needed to do this, for herself, even knowing that she would be very well dredging up old pain once more. She had no right to do it, but the saying 'old habits die hard' wasn't so pervasive without a reason.
And off she went again, to find him. It was as easy as she remembered it. The same faces over again, the familiar conversations and directions with cats who hadn't heard from her in moons, falling right back into step as though she hadn't been absent at all. She knew calling upon some of these cats was wrong, considering the thing she'd done to earn their cooperation in the first place, could feel herself falling back into old routines and that poisonous mindset.
Thoughts of Glowstar and Littlestar swirled at the edge of her mind, however. Their ever present figures lurking in the corners and warning her against falling back into the traps. Thoughts of Lionpride's terrified face as an apprentice, and his kindness when she'd been freezing, drowning in her guilt. They kept her from diving back without a care, hurting without a thought, all the things she wanted to avoid.
By some miracle, or help from the Sun God, when she finally found him, she hadn't ruined more lives. Hadn't gone around murdering cats to force cooperation, simply moving on to new cats if she couldn't get the cooperation she wanted by means that wouldn't traumatize or end the lives of cats around her. It'd taken longer than usual, a good week or so, to find him, but she could pick out his form as easily as if she'd shared a nest with him yesterday. No matter how many black and white cats with green eyes existed, Deal's had a particular way about, familiar scars and a presence that set him apart from the rest in her mind. She knew it was him, without a doubt, as her paws silently followed him, nearing until it was impossible for him to not notice her presence behind him.
You can't show fear in front of a predator. He knew that, he knew that, but he was choking on his terror all the same.
The apparition had started to follow him about, growing steadily closer, creeping up behind him. He knew it was there: he was hyperaware of its every moment, how close it was, so steady and persistent he could nearly feel its breath on his flank, could feel the ghost of an old pain carving a smile into his throat. He knew better, but he feared it anyway: he fought against the hitch in his breath and the tremble in his legs, he was terrified and he wanted to run and flee and hide, but he knew better, he knew better. He hadn't seen her since Timerous's death, she had gone now, he'd heard she stepped down, that she was busy elsewhere, that she wasn't here. Who feared a specter walking behind you? It was just his mind, a lingering effect of his curse or his exhaustion or his paranoia, he wasn't really sure, he was beginning to forget everything that was wrong with him.
But he knew one thing: Foxstar never stalked him like this. She would jump out of the bushes, flirt, slit his throat, kidnap him, anything her heart desired, but she was quick and efficient about it. He never knew she was there before she revealed herself. She wasn't this sloppy.
When she - it - spoke his whiskers twitched and he grit his back teeth as he slowly ground to a halt. Deal let out a long, hard breath, then turned on it with a measured glare. He stalked closer and stood straight, looked it in the eye, looked for some flaws imperfection of his memory that would distinguish it. "Leave me alone," he told her, firm, and gently waved a paw through the mirage. And hit solid fur.
The rogue froze, and his throat closed up again. No. He dragged his gaze up agonizingly slowly to meet hers again, tasting blood in his mouth again. No. She couldn't be here. He'd left Glowstar, he'd left SunClan, he'd been good, she wasn't supposed to be here anymore, how many times could she punish him for the same mistakes? His back legs trembled as he stumbled backward. No, no, no.
She shouldn't have been so surprised by his reaction. The fox-furred feline had made his life a living hell from pretty much the time she betrayed the clan up until recent history. It was her fault that Deal and Glowstar had broken up, more or less, thanks to that curse. Honestly, she was surprised by his audacity at first, and then found it pathetic how his face changed into something too familiar that made her heart want to sing and press, to crush all the light that remained in his life, if he even had anything left. And she wasn't convinced he did.
"We need to talk, and then I will." Foxbane offered, meeting his eyes steadily as she spoke, her voice holding no perceptible trace of deception, not that it ever did. In fact, she sounded, and actually almost looked rather.. tired. She mentally shoved away the creeping feeling of glee. No. She couldn't, wouldn't, go back to that. It had destroyed her life once, and she wanted to put it to rest so it wouldn't again. Even as the idea of facing him, of acknowledging anything, and frankly, risking her life if he was bold enough to try anything after, made her greatly uncomfortable in a way she couldn't put into words.
"Let's find somewhere to sit, okay?" She continued, glancing around and waving him to a nearby tree. "I have a feeling we'll be here a while."
Deal laughed, sharp and crazed, she would never leave him alone and he knew better, he had learned his lesson, he had learned his lesson so many times over. His throat was constricting and the blood was in his mouth and seeing her was crushing him under the memory of that terrible day and all it had wrought. She had broken him, he couldn't fight his fear of her anymore, he had felt the terror of her power and he had suffered under her paw and he'd given up on escaping with his life or his sanity intact. Everything good in his life, everything good he'd ever had he lost, she had taken it all, and he couldn't find it in him to hate her anymore, it was buried too deep under the fear.
And then she was just.... walking over to a tree, sitting quietly beneath it, acting so mundane. It was wrong again, it was all still so wrong, and he knew what he needed to do: to turn and run, escape this place while she was playing nice, lay low somewhere he could be alone or in a kittypet nest, adopt a new identity........ and instead he followed. His paws moved without his command, and he followed the fox and sat down a few paces away and just looked at her, utterly lost.
She sat there, leaning back against it to stare up at the sky. Her throat was exposed, so careless, something that Foxbane never, ever seemed to be. And yet, despite the churning emotions within her soul, the ex-Priestess almost seemed more at ease then ever before. Closing, her eyes, she took a deep breath, fog clouding out her mouth with the exhale as her eyes opened again, staring to the sky. Where to begin. Where to begin. "Deal, how do you apologize to someone you destroyed?" She asked, her voice curious and soft in a strange way, one that seemed genuine for perhaps the first time he'd ever heard such a statement. Could he even tell the difference at this point? Honestly, the Senator didn't know, given his reaction.
"Because I'm sorry doesn't even scratch the surface of all I have to answer for with you. I've ruined your chances at happiness because I couldn't put aside my own pettiness for feeling wronged when I had no right to hate you. I hated you for leaving me when I loved you, but I'm realizing that I don't think it was as real a love as I thought, and that though the feelings were there, my desires for the control I held were so much stronger that I couldn't simply accept you going your own way. That's not your fault though, you can't read minds, it's entirely my own. You are the reason for all that I am, better and worse, though all the evils that have happened fall on my shoulders alone. I can never atone for them all, I simply don't have the lives for it." She was just speaking without much rhyme or reason, only a vague few guiding thoughts controlling the spill of words from her tongue.
"I suppose that's beside the point though. I've done so much wrong to you. Hurt your family, hurt you, cursed you. In some ways, I wish you and Daylight and succeeded in your assassination attempt, it would have been better for us all if you had, though then I'd never have realized my own feelings for Glowstar. You already knew it, but I killed Crowlight, Crowluster, and another kit of yours, Crowluminescence. Pretty sure she was yours at least, born to Autumndancer, I think her name was. Oh, and that massive litter I brought from DayClan, that was half Ravenleap's. I killed her to get them, trying to get you back. I know none of this will help you, honestly, this may just make you hate me more, or we'll end up inverted, with you trying to hunt me down. I couldn't blame you for it. All that I've done to you is far more than anyone could ever deserve, and there is not enough I can do to make up for it. I suppose I could kill myself, but I'm still selfish enough I won't do that, even if it would be the right thing, far better for this world, I suppose."
Here it was, her soul laid bare. It felt so wrong. She was here and apologizing, and admitting her mistakes, and confessing feelings he had no right to know, and the unfairness of it all rose bitterly in his throat. Did she really expect him to forgive her? It didn't matter if she was being genuine or if she felt any remorse for what she had done. Every word she said was the truth. She had broken him, stolen everything he held dear, and she was hurting him now with every new name. He knew she had killed his kits, had guessed the third crow was his after her death, but he hadn't known about Ravenleap. He had wondered what happened to her, but he had feared to know the truth. She had deserved any of this. None of them had.
And now she expected him to forgive her, just like that? Was he supposed to reassure her, tell her she should keep living? Why was that his responsibility? Deal didn't want to be the bigger cat. He wanted to scream at her and make her take it all back. He half-expected to just feel numb; eventually, he told himself, it wouldn't hurt so much. But it had been years and even now he wasn't immune to her. Nothing would bring back what he had lost, though, and no apology would restore the lives she had taken.
He looked away from her, his expression for once unfathomable. "Why are you doing this, Foxstar?" he asked quietly. "Are you trying to hurt me by bringing this all up again? Or do you really believe this will change things?" He met her eyes and shook his head. "You can't fix what you've done. I don't even know half of what you've done to me. If you want to make things better, start there."
