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He'd been mid-way through a rambling soliloquy about the beauty of doves against the setting sun when Chimerastar blocked his path, face close enough to see every hint of grey around his muzzle and the way his pupil dilated when their gazes locked, black and endless. For a moment, Doefreckle was afraid that he'd seriously mis-stepped, alone and far from home and safety in the heart of WaterClan territory; then the leader raised his chin with his tail and the fear melted into something hot and fizzy, flooding under his fur and burning his skin. When Chimerastar's voice dropped, Doefreckle's heart gave a pitiful little leap. He was so intent on controlling his breathing - because, really, he didn't think intimidation was supposed to make him feel like... this... and, yes, for once he was a little embarrassed at the thought of the leader knowing quite just what he was doing to him - that he only caught the last half of what the other tom was saying.
I will only be volunteering toms. So, that meant... He might have made a choking sound; he wasn't sure. There was only Chimerastar, and his scars, and his breath warm and close on his face, and... Doefreckle raised one paw daintily and let out a high, nervous chuckle, ducking low beneath the leader's chin and slinking around to stand beside him again. It took every ounce of fear-induced deputies must set an example and represent their Clans and not fall for any unfairly charismatic leaders with rumbling voices who must know what they're doing to poor visiting dignitaries and it's not fair and I think I might burst into flames and drop dead and it will be his fault not mine and then our Clans will be at war and who's to blame then huh not me rationale in him to not melt into a giddy mess and rub himself against Chimerastar's side.
"I can't imagine you gushing about anything," he replied weakly, voice still a little strangled as he limped on ahead. "But, I wouldn't mind hearing it. I just don't wanna disappoint you if I don't have a whole lot to say about she-cats — like, oh-ho StarClan, ha, lovely! Wonderful! Terrific! Just great — great— cats. Very... pretty!" He glanced at Chimerastar out of the corner of his eye; he wasn't used to feeling this... shy. This jumpy. Ordinarily, he was the one coaxing confessions; now, all he wanted to do was earn another smile from the leader. He hesitated a moment before he continued, and when he did, his voice was quiet, like he was hoping that, if it were soft enough, he would be able to take it back if it were met with disapproval or disdain. "Toms, though." He let out another nervous laugh, breathier this time, and looked away. "I like them a bit better. Not in... well, yes, in that way. In the way you aren't exactly supposed to." He smiled ruefully, trying to lighten the mood and this time failing. The smile fell short and slipped into a wispy sort of sadness instead. "Some royal line that'll be if I ever make it to leader, huh?"
Shaking his head, he forced another smile and succeeded, turning it on Chimerastar and trying to ignore the little flip his heart made. "We can talk about something else, y'know, but you've gotta choose the topic this time. I'm doin' all the leg work here! And one of my legs doesn't even work! Ba-dum-tss. I'm here all night, folks."
He heard the quiver of weakness in his breath, in his laugh, in his words, the nerves choking his tone, and he had to look away and take a shallow breath. He had wanted— well, he wasn't sure what he had wanted to do, what he was trying to accomplish here, but he knew he hadn't wanted to scare him. As the deputy slunk away and stuttered and couldn't even look straight at him again, the notion crept into his mind that maybe he should apologize and somehow try remedy the damage he'd done, but the words died long before they reached his tongue. He closed his eyes, then let his breath go and flagged after the deputy.
"If you heard me gush you'd be the first and the last," he replied, deliberately mild, careful not to scare him again. Even in his early moons he had never been much for gushing or gossip— probably because he'd been busy with everything but romance, too young to think about finding a mate yet, but by the time he'd started to figure out his interests he had become too closed off to trust anyone with that again. It was humiliating enough to admit his feelings when they weren't romantic. He shook his head and let out a soft snort. "Royal lines are overblown and they're more trouble than they're worth."
He glanced back at Doefreckle's smile and let out a little sigh. "I have to choose? You're regret that offer, I assure you. I don't have much to offer."
Doefreckle smiled, a little giddy and flattered when he realised that, for the first time since they’d first met, Chimerastar was tiptoeing around him on purpose – that it mattered to the leader enough that he would go out of his way to avoid startling him again, that he would go so far as to offer comfort. It was a small thing, an inconsequential thing really, an expected part of diplomacy, but it made Doefreckle smile; he’d done something right, and he suspected trying not to unnerve someone was as close to an admission of vague fondness as he was going to get from the leader anytime soon.
“Not much to offer,” Doefreckle echoed scornfully, voice a note deeper in its mockery than it usually was, tipping his head back to fix Chimerastar with an expression that was half-smile, half-playful glare. “Oh, so I’m the chatterbox, Mr. Doesn’t Care, Mr. Chirpy Chicken, workin’ my tail off day and night to put plump, delicious, mouth-watering morsels of conversation on your platter, and when I wanna take one day off, when I wanna maybe, who knows, kick my paws up beside the lake, you hit me with not much to offer? Am I but a simple fountain of intellectualist discussion and ingenious tête-à-tête? Is that all I am to you, Chimerastar? Fine. You wound me, but fine. What’s your favourite colour?” He answered his own question in a grumpy, sulking growl, chin tucked into his neck fur. “Mine is orange. It reminds me of oranges and I like oranges even though I'm allergic and cats aren't supposed to eat them.”
He glared for a moment longer before bursting into a dazzling smile and letting out a purr. "I like you, y'know." He paused and gave the leader a chance to catch up, trotting in a small circle around him before coming to rest once more at his side as they padded on along the path. "I get on well with grouches. And, oh, you can grumble, but you're gonna end up loving me too sooner or later, you'll see. I'm a hoot, and so very charming. Boyish charm, that's what it is. No one is immune."
Chim raised a brow at Doefreckle at his little rant, waiting patiently for him to finish talking about oranges. "Alright, alright," he concluded with a roll of his eye as he caught up again. "Point taken. I'm just saying you have a lot more interesting things to say than I do."
He realized he was grinning. It was hard not to; Doefreckle did have an infectious charm that shook some of the gloom from the leader despite his best efforts to remain serious and composed. He had barely smiled since he'd become leader, it had been difficult enough beforehand but everything had crashed downhill when he was freed from prison and come back to home to find everything falling apart. These days he didn't have much time to enjoy himself, his clanmates expected him to be in control and his family still treated him like he was volatile, and when he was alone there wasn't much he could do to cheer himself up. He didn't want to admit it, but he was suddenly quite glad Doefreckle had come visit him today; his paws felt lighter than they had in moons and the momentary distraction was exactly what he had needed.
He scoffed at the deputy's claim he was going to end up loving him and was suddenly grateful the ginger fur atop his ragged ears was intact enough to hide the sudden rush of heat to the tips of his ears. It was a joke but not a funny one, not when it made his chest hum. It reminded him of the flash of energy that had surged through him when he received his first life— the electric assurance that warmed his fur and made him grin all the more wider.
"Yeah, right," he huffed. "Be honest, how often does that line actually work?"
[ catch me burying my face in my hands at work, this is ILLEGAL and im beaming BYE ]
Doefreckle beamed when he realised the leader was grinning, straightening up a little taller and echoing the grin without noticing, an instinctive form of mimicry what was all soft-heartedness and light-headed joy. He found himself watching Chimerastar in wonder, and not for the first time, his own grin messy and soft, pushing his cheeks up to his eyes and making them crinkle. He was too giddy to register any note of annoyance in the leader’s voice, heart far too busy spinning in breathless little circles to pay attention to unimportant things like the real world.
“You tell me,” he chirped quietly, smile lopsided and coquettish as he spun himself around, brushing the tip of his tail against the other tom’s chin as he did so, and trotted backwards to face Chimerastar. He remembered the way the leader had snarled at him the first time he’d touched him with his tail and wondered vaguely if he’d garner a similar reaction this time; a part of him was fascinated to know, to see everything Chimerastar could do and say and be. Another, more reckless part of him was hungry for it. “It’s working for me, but that’s not hard. I live with myself all the time – I’m already a goner. Utterly in love. Never stood a chance. One day I just wandered up to myself – hey, pumpkin, I ain’t seen you ‘round these parts before – and I was—whoo, I’ve got the shivers just thinking about it. Haven’t left myself since.”
He grinned crookedly, still feeling his way backwards along the uneven path. His heart pounded against his ribcage, making him feel dizzy and high and fearless; his blood thrummed and fluttered through his veins, and the sun was warm, and the birds were singing, and, just for a moment, everything was wild and free and good. “But, I mean, if there’s a line you’d rather I try on you, I’d be more than willing to give it a shot. I just don’t know if you could hold your own against my natural peppy allure and I’d hate for you to feel bad.”
As the tail brushed beneath his jaw he leaned slightly forward and rumbled, low and amused as the deputy danced away and out of reach. He prowled languidly in his steps, listening to him go on and on, wondering if he ever stopped talking, but not exactly minding that if Doefreckle didn't. He was enjoying himself and enjoying the deputy's voice, easy on the ears and words not too heavy. Chim had a tendency to pick grim topics of conversation, and it was refreshing to have a moment where they were just joking about Doefreckle's charm.
Well, mostly joking.
Mostly.
"I might have guessed," he replied dryly after the deputy's story of meeting himself and instantly falling in love. "Little thing like you? Must have swept yourself right off your paws; I wouldn't be surprised to see you become your own mate. Unfortunately," the corners of his grin quirked up impishly as he slid closer still, the distance between them rapidly shrinking despite the deputy's upward retreat, "I'm not so easy. It's the eye, really; sees right through all the illusions. They say there's poison behind every sweet smile, right?"
Doefreckle was beginning to think every interaction with Chimerastar was going to end with him being a flustered, giddy mess. Well, no, that wasn't quite true. He was beginning to hope they would. He smiled, shaky and off-balance, and tucked his chin into his neck fur as the distance between them shrunk, leaving him just a breath away from the leader. "Illusions?" he echoed breathlessly, steps fumbling. His eyes searched the leader's. "What kind of illusions do you think you'll find?"
He stared in love-drunk silence for another long moment before blinking himself back to reality and offering a goofy grin. "Don't answer that," he laughed softly, flitting around to face the right direction and trotting along ahead, going out of his way every now and then to step on crunchy leaves or leap onto stones in shallow puddles of water and balance for a moment, tail curled over his head, before continuing on. Anything to keep him occupied and stop him looking back at the leader; he knew he'd just blush and giggle and say something reckless and foolish. Poison, though? he wanted to say. Smile as sweet as yours, I wouldn't mind tasting the poison. But he was deputy now, and deputies were meant to be sombre and clever, and, well, leaders, they were supposed to—
The thought of ever becoming leader was panic-inducing enough to cut through the momentary inclination towards good judgement. His days of relative freedom could very well be numbered, and what was he if not a reckless fool? He stopped mid-step and lurched slowly back around like he was moving in slow-motion, stumbled for a moment when he fell out of the position, and loped back to rejoin Chimerastar, panting a little from his adventures with the leaves and puddles. "I don't think I'd do too well with myself for a mate," he purred, glancing down and adopting an odd little hopping step as he tried to avoid stepping on a line of ants crossing the path. "Too bubbly. Not good with responsibilities. Never'd remember to do something or other I was supposed to do and then I'd be sleeping out in the rain. I—I like more serious sorts. Bit grumpy. Smells vaguely of fish. One eye. You know the type." He tilted his head to look up at him with shy eyes and a thin smile, ready to pipe in with joking! Ha! Whoa, look at that cloud! if it didn't go well.
And, in his experience, it never really did go very well at all.
Brow arched, the leader watched him skip away away, loping off to go play on in the leaves and pounce in puddles like a kit fresh out of the nursery. He wondered if it was some sort of nervous habit, if the movement was there to release his energy, keep him from— from doing what? Flinching and letting the cheerful facade fall away? Finding the courage to stick around and wait for an answer? Chim was glad he hadn't; it was a mistake to get that close to him in the first place, a moment of boldness that certainly would have backfired when Doefreckle caught the unseemly emotions in his gaze at the proximity.
Doefreckle's stumbling step caught his attention but he brushed it off as a misstep, slipping on one of the leaves he had taken such care to trample, except where in StarClan did that mate comment come from? Chim nearly stumbled himself, it was treading back in sensitive territory, though at least the focus wasn't on him this time. He started to smile again at the idea of the SummerClan deputy pouting out in the rain because he'd forgotten one of those subtle intricacies of mateship Chim had never understood or bothered with, and it only grew wider. Not good with responsibilities? "You do realize you're a dep—"
Serious. Grumpy. One-eyed. When he finally put the pieces together he stopped suddenly, tense, and just stared at Doefreckle as a myriad of emotions battled across his expression. Did he just?— what did that even?— what was he?— did he really just say that? What kind of joke was that? Was it a joke? He studied him helplessly for a sign of mirth or even worse something genuine, any sign of how he was supposed to react to that. It looked like the deputy was making some kind of decision, like he'd taken a leap and didn't know if it would pay off, and damn did Chim want to make that decision for him— but was he wrong?
His gaze dropped as his skin crawled and he refused to look up at the deputy then, his almost-nearly-cheerful expression melting into a sour sneer as his lip curled and he rumbled again, this time the growl a warning, a threat. "Ha. Funny," he muttered, muzzle crinkling in disgust at the joke. "Nice one. Smells of fish. Have you smelled your own breath lately?"
Doefreckle deflated. He tried to pick himself back up, tried to play it off as meaningless with a joke or a smile or some sort of rambling distraction, but nothing came. He smiled thinly and looked down - and why did it matter this time, when he was so used to something going wrong? Why, this time, did it feel like the straw that broke the camel's back? Why, this time, did the weariness suddenly come seeping in like liquid lead, so tired and old and contemptuous? He suddenly felt weighed down by a wispy, bone-deep exhaustion; he sagged under the force of it, so hazy and numb and grey as an early morning dream. Stupid thing to say, he thought, for the second time that day; even the voice inside his head sounded quiet and wistful, ailed by no small amount of self-loathing. Pushed it too far. Took a good thing and ruined it. Moronic little Doefreckle - head in the clouds and heart all stitched up.
He nodded once, the tips of his ears pink with embarrassment, and limped off the well-trodden path to the shadowy roots of a tangled willow tree. Sitting down beneath it with his tail wrapped around his paws, he tipped his head back to watch the trailing leaves sway in the light breeze, rays of delicate sunlight glinting through the branches. It felt warm on his face and he closed his eyes, breathing a quiet sigh. "Wasn't a joke," he whispered, and didn't know whether he hoped Chimerastar heard it, or whether he hoped he didn't. Opening his eyes and feeling his pupils dilate against the glittering light, he lowered his gaze back to the leader and added, a little louder, "I'd apologise again, but I think we've both grown a little tired of that."
Upset that I didn't laugh at his joke, Chim thought, but doubted it. It would be easier if he could take the deputy looking away as a sign he was embarrassed by the reaction to his joke, or him turning away as being upset that the leader didn't find him funny, or if he could believe any of the thousand excuses he could come up with for why Doefreckle looked so beaten down. Maybe he had finally grown annoyed with Chim and decided he was done playing games; he was just impatiently waiting for this walk to be over, regretting it, so he could go find a proper conversationalist. Someone more like him, who would jest and flirt and laugh and say all the right things. Maybe Doefreckle was just tired of him.
He didn't believe any of it.
The tragic look on his face, the weak smile, it only made Chim loathe himself even more for killing his energy. The infectious lighthearted spirit of Doefreckle had kept energy buzzing in his veins, but now it fizzled out and left the leader alone in the gloom again. He watched him go, eye round in confusion and feeling a profound loss without being exactly sure why, and sighed.
Chimerastar walked back over to him, preparing to send him back home and never speak of this day again, but his ear twitched forward at a whisper and he stopped again, thinking he must have misheard, afraid that he hadn't. "Tell me... Tell me what you were going to apologize for." His voice was softer, hesitant, doubting. He didn't want to say the wrong thing, break the peace for certain, misunderstand what Doefreckle said and embarrass himself and ruin everything. He needed peace between the clans, the last thing he wanted was another enemy, another fight.
oH NOW THIS SENDS ignore this post i had to rewrite it ;p
Probably upset I didn’t laugh at his joke. Tough, Chimerastar thought as he watched the deputy go, wishing he could believe it. If Doefreckle looked away because he was embarrassed to be caught, or smiled so weakly because the joke had fallen through, if he was sulking instead of creeping off like a kicked kitten, it would be so much easier on them both. Despite his best efforts, though, he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. Doefreckle looks genuinely upset.
He watched him go, lost and confused, his hackles slowly falling as the energy crackling beneath his skin fizzed away into nothing, a dormant hum on the edge of extinction. He headed toward the deputy, maw opening to tell him to go home, when he heard a soft whisper.
Wasn’t a joke. He didn’t even want to think about the implications of that but how could he avoid it with the other tom so close and so somber? He hated that he had stolen that infectious energy away from him.
“Do it anyway. Tell me what you’re apologizing for.” There was a pleading note in his voice. He had to know— had to know Doefreckle really meant what he thought he meant, though his breath caught in fear of what he might say.
Doefreckle glanced up warily when Chimerastar padded over, ears flattened helplessly and frown soft and miserable. He felt vulnerable and feeble and ill, stomach churning and squeezing like it was filled with dirty storm water. Delicate as a bird, someone had once sneered, all nasty smiles and a smile he’d once loved; all it would take is one little snap. He’d spent half his life trying to prove he wasn’t fragile, wasn’t breakable, wasn’t weak – but he was. When it came down to it, he was. Just a pitiful, lovesick thing, begging to be broken and thanking them for the pleasure of it when he was.
Half of him expected to be struck; the other half waited for a cold dismissal, for some proof of another simple thing he’d made a mess of. He wasn’t sure which one would be worse. Tell me what you were going to apologise for. Doefreckle stared at the leader, brow furrowing inwards and upwards till he looked like no more than a mystified kit, equal parts hopeful and terrified, just waiting for the catch, the laugh, the –but. He opened his mouth to speak; tasted only air and no words; closed it; looked down; looked back up.
“I don’t really think you’d like the answer,” he breathed at last, voice catching around a faint laugh. He shuffled his paws self-consciously. “Bit early in the day – and—and in our acquaintance, really – for a sordid confession of… feelings.” He exhaled the last word and looked down at his paws, shame making his face prickle.
"Yeah," he muttered after a moment, glancing away from the deputy. "You're probably right."
That wasn't the answer he expected, but it came as a small relief. It was avoiding the question, but that was what Chim was good at: burying everything deep below the surface so he didn't have to look at it. He didn't want to think about this, not now with the deputy in front of him, not when he had so much else to worry about, not when he was already falling apart and couldn't afford to take another risk. He wasn't bold enough to try, he didn't have the courage or the naivety, so he drew in a breath and moved on.
"Let's keep going," he decided, turning back to the path, guarded and drained. "If we take the next branch it'll circle us back around to the camp. Then you can rest up and head back home to where you belong."
He didn’t know whether he should feel relieved or irritated at how easily the leader had given in. His miserable expression turned to a faint scowl as Chimerastar turned away from him; a moment ago, Doefreckle had wanted to disappear into thin air – now he just wanted some sort of reaction. He’d made a fool of himself – again – and this was all he was going to get? “You’re probably right”? He scoffed in disbelief. This courtship – fragile friendship – whatever it was – was beginning to feel rather more one-sided than he would have liked and he swallowed down the spark of rare temper that burned at the back of his throat.
“Fine,” he agreed, prim and sour. He didn’t look at Chimerastar as he brushed past, chin lifted stiffly and paws raised just a little too high with each step, like a parading show pony. “Good. Well, thank you so much for being such a gracious host and I’ll be sure to tell Ravenstar that relations between our Clans are to remain cordial. Very cordial. Lovely thing, cordiality. Wouldn’t ever ask for anything more. Good. Fine. Excellent. Step lightly, then, wouldn’t want to keep you away from your Clan for a moment more.”
He stalked ahead, not looking back to check that the leader was following. At that moment, he really didn't care.
Chimerastar clenched his jaw as the deputy stalked past him. Chim couldn’t even pretend Doefreckle felt anything but resentment now, and while it was a mystery what exactly had set him off, he knew it was Chim’s fault.
“Careful,” he growled under his breath, “all that salt will shrivel up your tongue.” He lashed his tail and stalked after the deputy, confused and annoyed. This was his territory, he should be the one leading the way and certain of himself, not Doefreckle. He nearly marked up and past him, but even that was a little too petty for his tastes.
Chim sighed and shook his head. “Feel free to bring Ravenstar next time you stop by. We’ve never met outside of gatherings,” he offered, polite but his voice tightening with the effort.
“Oh, yes,” Doefreckle muttered stiffly, still stalking ahead with as large steps as his lame foreleg would allow. “I’ll be sure to do that. Maybe she’ll be able to succeed where I clearly haven’t.” Suddenly getting a second wind, he whirled around to face the leader, hackles flat, ears only half-flattened, not threatening – simply angry, and confused, and hurt. “You know,” he began, voice sharp around the edge of a helpless laugh, “I was trying. And, oh, yes, I’m always trying – stupid me, just wants to be liked – but this was different. I thought this was different. I thought there was… something. And—why am I getting all worked up? Who knows! Maybe because—because I always fall for the bad sort, the sort that hurts, and you’re… not. For the first time in a very, very long time, you’re not. And I know it’s stupid. I know it’s immature, and I know it’s not your fault – I know that. Because I’m bad at timing, and this—this stupid thing has all happened far too quickly, and you’re probably standing there like, what is he on about? Where is this coming from? And—”
He caught himself mid-word and held his breath, glancing up at the sky. His pulse pounded in his ears; his chest felt fluttery and tight. Exhaling, he lowered his gaze and, in a softer voice that shook with nerves and frustration, finished with, “if we weren’t us, and we hadn’t ever been hurt, this would be when I’d tell you I care about you. As more than—an ally, or an acquaintance, or, dare I say it, a friend.” He huffed a self-conscious little laugh. “I care about you in the way—stupid deputies fall for the leader of some other Clan that they’ve known for half a day. What can I say? My heart moves quickly. I spend most of my time just trying to keep up with it. So, there—ha, there we go, Chimerastar. I like you. I like you more than I should. I like you in the way that would just get both of us hurt. And I’m sorry.”
Swallowing, he glanced down and dipped his head. “Good evening,” he murmured. “I’ll find my own way off your territory.” With that, he brushed past Chimerastar, keeping a wide distance between them, and started back along the cliff path they’d taken, away from the camp and back down towards the flat marsh.
As the deputy whirled around he tensed, lips starting to draw back as he prepared for a fight.
Oh.
It wasn't a fight.
Chim was quiet for a minute. Hearing those words so frank and in the open made them indisputable, and even if he couldn't understand why the deputy felt that way he couldn't change the fact that he did. Or, said he did, maybe it was all a trick, but it felt too genuine for that, too risky.
He should let him go. This was complicated and messy and it wouldn't end well, it never ended well, there was only tragedy and death and maybe something after (he had nine lives, he believed in StarClan, he had even seen his family there, but he always doubted he would end up there— there must be some other place for the average warriors and the complicated and the ones who had made stupid mistake after stupid mistake). He was grim and he was sour and he was a leader now and he could already see the looks on his clan's faces if they ever found out about this little confession. His kits would be delighted, everything excited them; his deputy would never let it go, she'd be there to rub it in his face every chance he'd got, just to salt the wound; his sisters would probably laugh and ask if he felt the same.
Did he feel the same?
Doefreckle was easier to tolerate than most other cats, he'd even smiled a bit, but what did that mean? That he maybe had a friend? He wasn't even sure he wanted to feel something more again, he'd had enough not anymores and those had been less complicated than this.
"Where the hell do you think you're going, deputy?"
Slowly, the leader turned to glare over his shoulder at him, cold and fierce as he stalked after the SummerClan cat. He drew himself up to his full slender height when he reached him, his eyes narrow as he prepared to speak— unsure what exactly he was going to say until the words were on the tip of his tongue.
"You're just going to say— that— and walk away? That's your brilliant plan? What kind of coward does that?" His lip curled, on the edge of contempt, when he let out a long sigh and his expression relaxed again. "You should've just said something earlier. Here I was thinking that I was the only one— and that you— well, you know." He waved his tail dismissively, then realized that Doefreckle probably didn't know. He must be nervous, he was rambling again, he hadn't done that since his last stay in prison when he thought he was going to lose his other eye.
"Go on, get off my territory if you need to, it's probably for the best," he said at last, "but if it means anything— which it probably shouldn't, you know, you're from SummerClan and I really do want peace between our clans, awful long way to walk just to start a battle— I guess I care about you too. A little. You stupid furball."
For a moment, Doefreckle kept padding back down the path, ears flattening at the leader's voice; at first, it was because he was genuinely downcast, genuinely melancholy, and didn't want to face Chimerastar. Then, it was because the other tom's voice was unexpected, and it made him flinch defensively, and now he was determined to be as defiant and irritating as possible, just to make this as difficult as it possibly could be - because he was fundamentally unhappy and intrinsically childish, and those two things rarely went well together. Finally, he stopped when Chimerastar caught up with him and turned his head away obstinately, glaring at a rock on the edge of the path. At the word coward, Doefreckle snapped his head back to face the leader, lips drawing back into a snarl and mouth opening to bite something back; then Chimerastar's voice softened and so did he. His ears were still pressed back, and he was still glaring, but as he listened, a weak spark of hope fluttered in his chest like a fragile little sparrow. And then he realised - the leader was nervous. Not disgusted, not offended, not angry - nervous.
As he continued, Doefreckle's glare melted slowly into a small, thin smile, his eyes regaining some of their usual glimmer. You stupid furball. He flicked his eyes down to his paws shyly, huffing a laugh that was as frightened as it was relieved. He'd been expecting silence, condemnation, blunt dismissal - something cutting, or something cold, or simple, flinty silence as he'd been allowed to leave the territory and return only with his own leader in tow. He hadn't been expecting... this. Whatever this was. Now, the prospect of tip-toeing his way around some half-admitted feelings was as daunting as a simple rejection. He stared down at his paws for a long time, suddenly self-conscious and uncertain, like he hadn't done this a thousand times before - and, really, he hadn't. The others, they'd meant something, but it had mostly been in the moment, and the wounds that came afterwards had been borne more of humiliation and physical pain than genuine feeling. This was different. This was vulnerable, and timid, and real. He'd waited for it for as long as he could remember - something gentle and kind, something that was more than brief pleasure and broken skin. Now that it was within reach, all he could feel was his stomach twisting and his ears reddening.
"A little is good enough for me," Doefreckle murmured shyly, slowly raising his eyes until he could meet Chimerastar's gaze. "It's, uh..." He laughed, sheepish and quiet, and lowered his eyes for a moment before flicking them back up. "I honestly wasn't really expecting even a little so I'm slightly at a loss as to how to... proceed. I was just gonna wander aimlessly until I recognised something and, y'know, sorta hope for the best. I got lost for, like, ages until I found your camp in the first place. I'm not the best tracker." Shaking his head like he'd just realised he had been starting to get off-track, he frowned to himself and looked back up with a thin smile. "Sorry. Nerves." He shook one foreleg out and laughed breathlessly. "Uh, should I still... leave?"
I honestly wasn't really expecting even a little so I'm slightly at a loss as to how to... proceed. "Yeah, me neither," he muttered softly under his breath. He couldn't look away from the deputy until he broke eye contact first, and then he took a deep breath and turned his face away and tried to figure out what he had just gotten himself into. This wasn't like him, he didn't say these things, he didn't even feel these things more than once or twice in his life. Chim barely even had friends let alone whatever this was.
"I know. I don't know how often you trespass, but... you're not that stealthy. I had cats watching you." He sounded a tiny bit embarrassed for once. He didn't regret keeping an eye on the intruder and not confronting him seemed to have panned out nicely, but it felt a little uncomfortable to admit his warriors had just been there, watching, and hadn't provided any help. He really needed to get a better grasp on this leader thing, which by the way Doefreckle was certainly not helping with, how was he supposed to focus on duties with that sweet laugh ringing in his ears?
"... I don't know."
He wanted him to go, to leave so he never had to think about him again, so he could shake this out of his mind and go back to normal. They had peace, that was all they needed, no need to see each other again, just bury it all and let it rest and forget, he was good at forgetting. He wasn't very good about the other stuff— the need for him to stay, to see where this might go. Oh how Chim hated decisions.
Chim muttered a curse beneath his breath and looked up at the deputy again. "Might as well stick around. Can't have you go around telling cats about... that."
Far from being offended at the mention of the leader having sent warriors to watch him, Doefreckle broke into a delighted grin, doing a little hop like it was the most wonderful thing he'd ever heard in his life, like he was thrilled by the thought that he'd been an unwitting player in a very serious game. "Did you?" he asked around a laugh. "The whole time? That's fantastic. Utterly fantastic - I had no idea!" He laughed again, glancing to the side and shaking his head like he couldn't believe it. "Fantastic," he repeated, still grinning.
And then, the bubble burst and his childish joy melted back into shyness, the grin softening into an uncertain smile, like he was frightened of putting a paw wrong, of saying the wrong thing or looking the wrong way or accidentally touching Chimerastar too soon or too little or too much or at all. He never was very good at boundaries, not at setting them or understanding them, and now he felt like he was losing himself in a fluttery panic of over-awareness - he'd somehow played the game of chess well enough to get him to this point, and now he was terrified of knocking all the pieces awry. He smiled vaguely at Chimerastar's blunt humour, but he wasn't really listening. "I don't want to hurt you," he murmured at last, searching Chimerastar's gaze for any little sign that what he was saying was the wrong thing. "I don't want to be a bad memory. So, we can take this slow - whatever this is - or we can... not take it slow, or we, you know, we don't really even have to do it at all if you don't want to. Not that I don't want to - I absolutely do, like, ha, you're— big crush, very big crush. Whoo, feels good to say that out loud: I have a very big crush on you!" He let out a breathless laugh and offered a big, sheepish grin, almost forgetting he'd started his rambling as anything less than cheerful. "Or I can just shut up, y'know, if that's more what you want."
Panting a little and still smiling like he'd just felt sunshine for the first time and couldn't quite believe it, Doefreckle glanced up at the sky and back down to Chimerastar. "Anyway," he continued more softly. "I probably should start heading home. Plenty of foxes that would love to get a piece of me - especially old Rodger the Rabid, he's been dying to get back at me ever since I dropped a big ol' rock on his head. I tried to tell him it was an accident but do you think he listened? No. Too busy tryna kill me; it was really very immature. Anywho, what was I saying? Yes! Home." His expression softened into something a little more serious, though his eyes still glittered and his smile was as loving as ever. "Gotta leave you wanting more."
Tentatively, he stepped closer and gently touched his nose to Chimerastar's cheek, trying very hard to make it look like he was far more confident in the gesture than he actually was. Truthfully, he was having to hold himself back, but he figured the leader wouldn't welcome that sort of affection so quickly. "Walk me to the border?" he asked softly, eyes flicking up to Chimerastar's. In a still-gentle whisper, he added, "that's not as romantic as it sounds, I just really don't know the way."
