(at the start of this thread doe hadn't been to pinesimmer yet but im messing with the timeline now bc he needs this confession and also im a god <3 SORRY for the length <33)

In the silence that followed his question, Doe eventually turned his head to rest his cheek against the grass, watching Shaded in the dark. When finally he answered, an peacefully, happy smile spread across his face and he watched him for a moment longer before turning his head back to the stars, the smile still on his face.

And then Shaded asked his own question. Doe's smile slowly fell - and then everything came crumbling down with it. Everything he'd been keeping quiet, everything he'd been torturing himself over, every secret he'd been keeping from even those closest to him in SummerClan - they all came flooding out like a horrible, agonised torrent. He'd taken to avoiding Sunpetal, to flashing her a squeezed smile when she beckoned him over and pretending he had other places he had to be, to saying he'd already eaten when she offered to share a meal with him. That had leeched out to Vulturemalice, too, and then to Rosethorn, until Doefreckle was left so alone by his own self-enforced, guilty isolation that the only one he could turn to was Pinesimmer himself. Even Shaded - he was so pure, so untainted, the one bright, perfect spot in Doe's life, and the thought of contaminating the sanctity of him with exposure to himself made him feel sick. And so, at the horror of his own guilt, he'd pushed himself back into the touch of the tom he was so guilty about, because Pinesimmer was a conspirator in this, he was already tarnished and stained, Doe couldn't ruin him with his own weakness.

And so, suddenly, Doe was turning to Shaded, rolling back onto his belly, forepaws crossed anxiously, and leaning closer like the grass itself had ears. He was almost grateful Shaded couldn't see the wretched, hunted look on his face, in his eyes. "I'm not," he choked out, and the relief of finally saying it was almost enough to make Doe sob, if he hadn't been so tensed that he could hardly breathe. "You're the only one in the world I can tell this to. Everyone else, they're going to hate me when they find out. And they will. There's no way they won't - he'll tell them, or the gossip will start, or I'll get so guilty that I will. God, Shaded, I don't know what to do." He was close enough to touch him, and now he hung his head to collapse his forehead upon the black tom's shoulder, grinding his head slightly against the familiar, grounding fur. Finally, he let out a breath and raised his head, brows drawn together. "I've... I've told you a bit about the tom I've been seeing - and I hate to talk about this with you but I just," he choked out a breath, "I just need to tell someone. A moon ago, I- I got scared, because he wanted to become something more and I didn't- I couldn't." He didn't say Hywel was from the League; even if Shaded had guessed, if he'd smelled him on him, he couldn't say aloud that he'd started to fall for a tom from the place that was still so raw to him, to Shaded, to Lily. "And then a few weeks ago, I went back to say goodbye, or to say I was sorry, or- I don't know why I went back. But I did. And I found him with someone else, and so I got terribly jealous, horribly jealous, and I said awful things and he said awful things back, and then... I was so angry." Doe frowned down at his paws, eyes searching unseeingly in the dark.

"And then my Clan - my old Clan," he corrected, fresh frustrated panic sparking through him, "invaded... And I wasn't thinking clearly - I just had to get back at him. And to feel like I... like I had some control over NightClan, I needed that too, as stupid as it sounds. And so, I..." He shrugged his shoulders upwards, brows quirking up to fill in the blank, even though Shaded couldn't see, "with Pinesimmer. The..." Doe buried his face in his paws, fresh shame engulfing him. "The tom who murdered Sunpetal's father. Who took a life from my leader. Our leader. And I wish it was only once, that I could say, oh, I was grieving, I was angry, I was confused - but it wasn't. It hasn't been. And I've just been digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. And it isn't just Sunpetal I'm afraid of," he added quickly, turning back to Shaded. His voice was so brokenly hysterical, so wounded, so hunted, like he was a bloodied deer backed into a corner just watching the inevitability of the flashing teeth encroaching closer and closer. "I would lose her friendship, that's a given, but even worse than that, I could be run out of SummerClan!" His eyes were wide, terrified, his voice husky and hushed like even to say it aloud was to open it up to the possibility of it coming true, to the possibility of fate that had been so cruel to him dealing him one final blow and taking from him the home that had come to mean everything to him. He hadn't even mentioned the fact that it had been Stormstar, too - that it hadn't just been the tom who killed Ratstar, it had been the usurper to his throne as well. Even he couldn't say that, not in this safe, private moment or any other, couldn't admit to the full depths of his weak, self-centred sins. The thought of Lilydawn suddenly entered his mind and he almost broke under the thought that this was just one more thing to ruin her image of the father she held in her head. He wasn't something to look up to - he was pathetic. He'd thought he'd been getting better but he couldn't escape the truth of himself - he was born to be a mess.

All Doe's life, he'd been able to dance merrily around the consequences of his actions, to flit about and leave them behind - but now, for the first time, he could feel them catching up to him. One day - one day soon - it was all going to come crashing down. And he was going to have to take the blame for everything he'd done. For the first time, he hadn't self-destructed because he was happy - he'd been faced with real misery, grieving and angry, and he'd reacted. And it was almost worse, to know it had been less of his fault than it might have been. That he was better - he was happier, calmer, wiser. And this had undone it. It hadn't mattered. This had happened despite it.

"They would hate me. And on top of that, it's... having NightClan here, I like it." The way he said it, it was like this was the most heinous, most unforgivable, confession of all. He couldn't even look at Shaded, had to glance away into the dark wilds of the meadows with that same, ruined frown on his face. "I've spent so long hating them and now my home, my two homes, they're in the same place. And doesn't that just make me the most selfish coward who ever lived?" His voice finally broke, tears spilling from his glistening brown eyes over his cheeks, and he buried his face in his paws, unable to look at Shaded, to get all this black, clinging muck over him, the tom he loved unlike any other. The one purely good thing in his life. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed, voice muffled between his paws and ears pinned back. "I've let you down. I've let everyone down. If Lil knew what I was really like, she'd wish she had any other father than me."