Warrior Cat Clans 2 (WCC2 aka Classic) is a roleplay site inspired by the Warrior series by Erin Hunter. Whether you are a fan of the books or new to the Warrior cats world, WCC2 offers a diverse environment with over a decade’s worth of lore for you - and your characters - to explore. Join us today and become a part of our ongoing story!
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Doe let out a breath, faintly comforted by Shadedsun's paw against his back, however automatic the gesture was. "I know," he replied a little guiltily, drawing back to look up at the black tom's clouded amber eyes. "I'm sorry. I was just... I was excited. She was going on about how alone she was and I thought... I just wanted her to see she still had a family. A family that can be better this time around. You know?" Doe's ears had fallen slightly against his head, afraid of being reproached. Shadedsun was really the only cat he worried about that with - not just because Doe was still so sensitive of how badly he'd hurt him. Ever since he had come back, Doe had started using him as a sort of external moral compass, learning the do's and don'ts from Shaded's reactions and explanations. He wanted to earn his approval, to show him he could be a better cat. But what that meant was that whenever Doe did something that he wasn't entirely certain about, he'd look to Shadedsun to check his response. Like a preschooler waiting for a gold star or a shake of the head.
"If we're going to go out, we should go now," Doe continued worriedly. "She's very sensitive about being abandoned. If we leave her waiting too long, we might... we might lose our chance." He leaned closer to Shaded, close enough to feel the softness of his fur and the familiar warmth of his body, still looking up at him. "Ready?"
The tension, for a moment, drained, leaving behind only the slight sense of comfort, the few things unsaid. There was the sound of a few breathes, and then, at Doe's words, the rustling of Shaded getting to his paws. Ready? Was he? He couldn't answer right away. He wasn't, of course he wasn't, who would be when they show up in front of their daughter after being dead for over a year? Would they talk about it right away, or would they wait it out, let it hang heavy in the air. He didn't know what he was going to say to her, hadn't prepared anything at all. Hello? Long time no see? How's it going?
"Yeah, I suppose I am," he said finally, forcing his paws (slightly shaking) to move.
Outside camp, Lilydawn lay on her stomach, head resting on her paws, tail idly swaying—rather impatiently—beside her. It could have just been her irritability, but something was taking him too long and she was starting to get annoyed. Slightly anxious, even. But when the entrance to their camp rustled, and a larger figure stepped out, she looked up confused. Her gaze found Doe, for a moment, a quick glance at the spot right between his eyes, before staring up at the larger tom with a slightly tilted head. Her face fell, brows furrowing. She got to her paws.
"Is this some sort of sick joke to you, Doefreckle?" She snapped, looking between the two. Whatever she thought his surprise to be, it wasn't this. She didn't want this. She wanted a gift maybe, something normal and regular, something she could take back to Winterclan and tuck in her nest, or hide it in the little place she liked to hide things—a little crevice where a wall met the floor, one she had dug herself moons ago.
But, as she looked at Shadedsun, she could notice he looked a little healthier. His fur was as untidy, his face not as drawn, his eyes a little brighter. He stood a bit taller., though not a noticeable amount. And it was everything she'd wanted him to look like, and everything she never got to see. But the matter at hand was that he was back too, and out of four of her dead dads, two of them stood in front of her. She looked around sharply, as if expecting the others to hop out at any moment.
"N—" Shadedsun went to speak, after the silence of Lilydawn's question rang out. He took a step forward, hoping it would let him see her a little more clearly. Just a little.
"Seriously, how did you expect me to react to this?" She wasn't yelling anymore, a little fearful of drawing attention from Summerclan, but her words were harsh all the same. She didn't say a word to Shadedsun, tried not to look at him much at all, hoping she could keep it together, not break down a second time. Discovering one of her fathers was alive, she could handle that, they could work through it. Two, in the same day no less? How was she supposed to respond? With open arms, an i've missed you so much, glad you're alive again!
When Shadedsun slipped out of camp, Doe stayed in his shadow for as long as he could, hiding behind him like it would somehow stop what was bound to be an unpleasant interaction from happening. But once they came within sight of Lilydawn, he hurried forward into the sun, staying at Shaded's side.
At Lilydawn's strained outburst, Doe let out a silent breath, trying his best to just let her reaction wash over him - he'd been expecting it. He knew this may have been a mistake, and her response was justified and understandable, but he was intent on salvaging it. He didn't snap at her for her rudeness, especially to Shaded, or scold her for it; didn’t say ’it’s not his fault he was grieving for me at the same time you happened to be a kit, Lily, grow up’; he just stayed quiet, trying to keep his expression gentle as he brushed his tail back and forth over Shaded's flank comfortingly.
“It could have been better thought out, I know,” he conceded as he took a small step towards her, conscious of the volume of his own voice and trying to keep it quiet. He slipped in front of Shadedsun, forming the middle ground between him and their daughter. “I should have told you the news gently. I got excited and I’m sorry for it. I’ll be apologising for a lot of things for a long time to come, and maybe along the way I’ll learn how to stop having things to apologise for. For now, though, I’m an idiot. So please just be a little patient. God knows Shadedsun has had to learn to be.” He cast a quick glance over his shoulder at the tom with a little huff of laughter, though his eyes were still anxious. He looked back at their daughter and swallowed dryly, inclining his head slightly. “But however the news came out, Lilydawn, it’s the same - he’s back, and I’m back; and obviously you’ll need time, a lot of time,” he quirked his brows, nodding his head to the side, “but if you… if you decide you want a relationship, we’re here. I am, and he is - and if you just want Shaded, I won’t be offended, and I know it’ll be the same for him. And if you decide that it’s too much and you don’t want either, then… Well, then we just want the best for you, Lilydawn. You’ve been our daughter since you were a few days old and you’ll never stop being that.”
He could have said more, but he was rambling enough as it was. Feeling he’d said at least what he’d needed to, he closed his mouth and stepped back beside Shadedsun.
It could have been better thought out, I know. Lilydawn scoffed.
God knows Shadedsun has had to learn to be. Shadedsun listened with a somber face. He didn't expect it to go well, not really—no fault of Lily's, he knew it was a lot. It had been a lot for him, and he was the one who came back to life. He turned his head towards Doe, head lowered. Hesitant to say anything. "I wouldn't say—" He began.
"You just don't think—you—" her words stumbled over each other, trying to find footing, trying to grasp any sort of sense, "Of course I do," and she said it almost desperately, but the anger was still there. "That doesn't mean I'm not pissed off at you," she still hardly acknowledged Shadedsun, who was staying quiet. "I can't trust that yet." Nothing but a statement, her bitter truth. When she was younger, she had believed it, and when they were gone she believed it would all get better with time, and it never did. She was still that stupid, angry, bitter little kid, and she had never given herself a chance to change. She fell silent, unsure of what to say. She had nothing left to give them.
"Lily," Shadedsun spoke with such softness, like he was trying to console a frightened animal. He took a small step closer, and Lilydawn didn't move back. He tried to chose his words carefully, "it's alright. We can . . . we can try a fresh start." He offered an uncertain smile, but it was genuine nonetheless. He stepped back again, not seeing the quizzical look on her face. It was the only option he could think of, to start over. Forget everything else, begin something new, push the broken thing to the side and pick up something new, something that could be just as good.
"So, hello, how's your day been?" It sounded slightly ridiculous, the simple question paired with the nervousness in his voice just didn't quite feel right, but it was something. Lilydawn blinked in confusion, her attention finally drawn to him. She shifted on her paws. So they were going to play pretend? Act like nothing was going on, that they were just friends greeting each other again? She gave an annoyed huff, but she had no energy to fight with them anymore.
"Terrible, but I guess I've had worse." She grumbled, tearing grass up with her claws and flicking it to the side. She looked up from under her lashes, brows raised slightly, "You?" She looked at both of them, watching as Shadedsun's awkward smile turned into a genuine grin. A small one, but it was noticeable. She could play pretend then, and when she got home she would stay as far away from their damn border as possible, forget it all happened, convince herself it was a dream or something so she could go on with her regular life, as bad as she felt about it. At least she knew what was going on.
You just don't think—you— Doe nodded his head down, eyes never leaving her from along the bridge of his nose as she went through her stages of anger, of accusation, of slight surrender. He didn't speak, just let her work it through and blame him in silence. He knew that if he was going to have a relationship with his daughter he'd have a long road of insults ahead. When Shaded stepped forward to speak to Lilydawn for the first time, Doe turned his head slightly, but it was mainly just his eyes that moved to watch him. At his assurance of a fresh start, his gaze lingered on Shadedsun for a moment before flicking to Lily, silently watching her reaction. When the black tom stepped back beside him, Doe touched his tail to his flank again and kept it there, both a gesture of comfort and of pride. This whole time was one of fresh starts, for all three of them. The fact that Shaded was echoing Doe's own words he'd said to him wasn't lost on him. It gave him new hope for the two of them, too, like Shaded might be slowly opening up to the idea of that as well. They would talk about that later.
So, hello, how's your day been? Doe let out a quiet, sharp exhalation of laughter through his nose, the tiny, pert smile that twitched across his face coy and fond. His eyes flicked up to Shadedsun, falling in love with him afresh. Only he would ask something like that at a time like this; only he would try to diffuse tension in that strange, honest way. The little grin that spread across Shaded's face at Lily's answer made his heart bloom.
Tearing his gaze away, he looked back at their daughter. It was a start. It wasn't perfect - it was far, far from that - but it was a start. The first step on a long, arduous, painful road. They were all brave for that. "Oh, Shadedsun's day has been wonderful," Doe answered for him dryly, moving away from him to circle around behind Lily and then sit down beside her. "All he ever does is sleep." He turned his head from where he'd been smiling at Shaded to look at his daughter. The size difference between the three of them was almost laughably obscene; he'd always known Lily wasn't likely to grow much as an adult but she made even him look tall. He didn't know how so much anger and snark could fit into such a small body. "Would you like to stay a little longer? We could go somewhere, away from camp. Whatever you want." He smiled at her, gentle and warm.
It was such a strange, out of nowhere question, she mused as Doe sat beside her, answering the question she had not asked him. She pushed down the withering look she wanted to give. All he ever does is sleep. She gave a hidden smirk, a slight twitch of her lips, a huff that was almost a chuckle. A slight break in her façade. She couldn't say she was surprised, the last she remembered of him was laying around, but she supposed it was for entirely different reasons, because she could look at him and notice he was happier, no longer a mess, no longer grieving. A part of her was jealous, of both of them, of how undamaged they seemed. Even if it wasn't true.
"Well, I wouldn't say—" He started, though there was a smile on his face. Awkward, but not out of place. "Not all the time," there was nothing defensive about his tone, posture relaxing just a little bit.
We could go somewhere, away from camp. Whatever you want. She thought for a moment, not responding. She could leave, she had the option, she could go settle in her nest back in Winterclan, take the time to sit and digest the day, let it keep her up at night, or she could stay, give them a bit of a chance. She looked between them briefly. "Alright," slowly, hesitantly, she answered, the syllables drawn out. There were quiet places here, she knew, where they weren't at risk of being disturbed by their cats, where she could even forget it was Summerclan in the first place. What was the harm, she had nothing better to do anyway. Shadedsun rushed to his paws at the suggestion, already bouncing to lead the way.
"I know a place. In the deep lands, there's a nice little spot. Perfect for laying in the sun if you want a secluded area," sometimes, the meadows didn't cut it, and Shaded saw out other places. He didn't travel into the deep lands often, preferring to stay in more open areas where he wouldn't trip or get caught in bushes and branches, but it had been his favourite place since he decided to test his luck in there. Quiet, out of the way. Lilydawn let Doefreckle go first before following them both, head still lowered slightly, but her face was less an indignant look and more a settled resting face.
A big, delighted smile spread across Doe’s face when their daughter agreed, calmer than his previous slightly manic smiles because he was finally starting to relax into the idea that she might become a permanent part of their lives. It was all he wanted. Doing an excited little skip with his forepaws while still seated, he leaped to his paws and offered to Lily to go first with a chivalrous little half-bow and a gesture of his forepaw, before happily falling in ahead of her when she refused and hung back. He just had to learn to go with the flow when it came to their daughter - something he’d never been very good at before but that he was willing to learn. He’d jump through whatever uncomfortable, uncharacteristic hoops she laid before him, a little because he was just so stubborn but mostly because he would do whatever it took to have a relationship with her.
“Oh, perfect for laying in the sun,” Doe echoed mockingly, shoving past Shadedsun and looking back at him with fond scorn. “Imagine you doing something other than that - I can’t.” He let out an involuntary purr, which threw off his pretence of disapproval. Really, he was happier than he could every say that Shadedsun had not only been exploring the territory, but that he’d found somewhere that he liked. Part of Doe had begun preparing himself for the day Shaded would inevitably tell him he was going back to SpringClan, or going off to find somewhere completely new. The fact that he’d started - in steps however small - to find a home in SummerClan brought him close to tears of pure, relieved joy. He hung back and waited for Shadedsun to set the direction, and then fell in beside him, letting Lily keep her distance and trail behind them if that’s what she wanted. “You know, I forgot how good you look when the sun hits your fur,” he told Shadedsun in a low murmur, too quiet for Lilydawn to hear. He looked up at him as he limped along at his side, barely blinking as he gauged his reaction. If Lily wanted him in her life, she was going to have to put up with him flirting with her dad in front of her; he hadn’t dared to do it the whole time since Shadedsun had come back, after the disaster of his own love confession and the black tom’s delicate emotional state, but now, encouraged and made bold by the unexpected success of the first steps of repairing their relationship with their daughter so far, he wanted to try. It was the first time, really, that he’d consciously made an attempt at flirting with him - the first time round he’d done it off-handedly, playing unconcernedly with his emotions while he courted better prizes; now, it was a conscious, willing effort. “It goes from black to brown and it’s beautiful.”
For most of their journey, Lilydawn's eyes were trained on the ground, finding interest in the way the blades of grass were crushed under her paws, occasionally spotting a leaf as the beginning of fall was becoming apparent. Occasionally, she'd cast glances upwards without lifting her head. It was a little surreal, watching her dads walking and chatting just in front of her, alive as if nothing had ever happened, as if this was normal and it had always been like this. Everything felt a little dreamy, almost fake, like it was made of cardboard. Like she could blink and open her eyes and be in her nest all the way back in Winterclan. She felt so much smaller, and she hated every second of it.
Shadedsun's laugh cut through her thoughts, sharp and sudden. "I do other things! Just. . . not as much, you know?" His tone was much more relaxed, lighter, sounding so much better than Lilydawn had ever remembered. This is what it could have been like, if everything had been perfect.
You know, I forgot how good you look when the sun hits your fur. There was something so youthful about it, and momentarily he was brought back to their little sleepovers, their night in Springclan. "And I forgot how much of a charmer you really are, Freckles." And even now, he was still in love. Even if he wasn't as vocal about it, even if he refused to admit it at first, even if it was a bit of a scary thought, after everything. There was nothing going on between them, yet there was still so, so much. Doefreckle was probably the one thing that gave him hope he could have a home in Summerclan.
He bounced a few paces ahead, pausing for a second to ensure they were on the right track. It was a little difficult, the trees all blurred together, it was usually darker, the shadows were harder to make out and the light was minimal, but there was a certain path between a few trees where you could see a clearer space, a singular bright patch in the depths. "And right there," he hummed, stepping over a root that he knew was there (he had learned the hard way). It was a nice little place, could probably fit about five cats at most, really, but it was cozy and peaceful and undisturbed. A few tiny blue flowers dotted the ground. Lilydawn stared at them for a moment, forget-me-nots, she noted, definitely not uncommon. As she walked further into the place, a few of them were crushed beneath her paws. She didn't say anything, for a long time, wanting to let them speak because she had no idea what she was even supposed to say. There was still a small frown on her face, unchanging as if it were permanently stuck there.
"So, uh. . ." he trailed off awkwardly, he balanced his weight between his paws, now suddenly nervous again. His first plan had worked wonderfully, he was surprised, but unfortunately he had no more tricks up his sleeve, nothing left to offer. He let the silence settle.
Freckles. He hadn’t heard it in so long, had just been Doefreckle or Doe to Shadedsun, same as everyone else called him, for what felt like an agonising lifetime. To hear his old nickname again, said so low and soft, made him feel like the tom he’d been when they were younger - all the good parts of him, at least. He was so pleased, so happy, his smile giddy and slightly goofy and completely genuine; caught off guard, he let out a happy little breath of laughter that was almost a gush, his cheeks squished up and dimpled. Otherwise, he'd completely forgotten to breathe, too joyful to remember silly mortal things like that. He grinned up at Shaded uncontrollably, stumbling along at his side and tripping over a little root. He hardly noticed.
When Shaded bounced ahead into the clearing, Doe's eyes followed him, warm and so fondly amused by the sunny childishness of the tom he'd known for so long. He limped after him into the little patch of forget-me-nots. When he was younger, he’d have collapsed on the flowers in the middle of the little clearing and rolled about on his back like he owned the place and the other two cats were his doting disciples delighted to hear every word he said. Now, he padded after Shaded with quiet dignity and lay down neatly at his side like a dainty little prince, polite and in control of himself. He didn't have any of the tom's qualms about just making himself at home. He stretched out his broken forepaw in front of him and drew his tail in to tuck it in beside him, leaning his weight slightly against the thick, sun-warmed fur of Shadedsun's legs as he stood nervously at his side. His fur smelled like him and like SummerClan; it was the most wonderful scent in the world, love itself. Truthfully, if Lily hadn't been there he'd have been happy to keep flirting with Shadedsun until his ears went that familiar flustered shade of pink, but she was and he was so happy about that fact that he felt no disappointment at having to resist. Their daughter was here now; there was plenty of time that night to make Shaded blush.
"Have a seat, Lil," he offered softly, moving his broken paw slightly in a faint gesture of invitation. "Lilydawn," he corrected himself. "I know you aren't comfortable in SummerClan but as long as Shadedsun and I are here you'll always have a home here if you need it, so you'll have to put up with all the flowers for now. And we plan to be around for a long time yet." He smiled, tilting his head slightly. The sunlight filtering through the leaves caught his eyes and washed them gold. If Shadedsun wasn't going to speak, he was more than happy to take on the role as family therapist, however thankless it might be. "Now... Before we can hope to move forward I know we first have to completely clear the air, as many times as it takes and as painful or frustrating as it might be. You and I already started that but you and Shaded haven't had the chance." He turned his head to look up at Shadedsun before returning his attention to Lily. "Is there anything you want to say to him? I'm selfish, cruel and inconsiderate - all true. What about him? Whatever else you want to start getting off your chest, now's as good a time to start as any." Though his voice had taken on a slightly dry, self-mocking quality when he recited Lily's list of accusations against him, it was never anything but gentle. And when he smiled at his daughter, it was with all the patience, all the warmth in the world. He wasn't expecting miracles. All he wanted was a chance. A beginning. Reaching out his good paw without taking his eyes off Lily, he batted it softly against Shadedsun's side to encourage him to lie down.
She made sure to put a good amount of distance between them as she sat down, tail still flicking behind her. Whether it was from anger or anxiety, who really knew.
"Right. . ." She spoke slowly, unsure, still weary that any moment everything could be taken away from her in a snap. She was still distrusting of them, of both of them. She listened in silence, eyes still fixated on her paws, watching as her claws tore up grass and a few tiny blue flowers. What about him? It was different when she was invited to yell at them, to tell them everything that hurt, the things she'd always wanted to get out but was never able to. Lilydawn sat silently. She had just as much to say to Shadedsun, too, but it was now difficult to get the words out. She dug her claws deeper into the earth.
"About—me?" Shaded croaked, confused. He had no idea what they were talking about, he wasn't there for their conversation beforehand, and he could only guess what had went on. Carefully, he lay down at the jab of a paw, giving Doefreckle an unsure sort of look. "Right, right." Lilydawn tuned him out.
"The day we—yes, we—" she began, beginning in a quiet, mumbling sort of way, "—lost Doefreckle, it was like I lost you too. You're both just as stupid, don't think I forgot you also didn't come to see me whenever you came back." As she continued, her voice grew more firm, regaining the energy she had lost, anger bubbling all over again.
"I wasn't—" Lilydawn cut him off. This was her time now, not his.
"You were somehow too wrapped up in your own stuff that you didn't pay any attention to me at all! You didn't even say goodbye when you ran off and got yourself killed! You seemed to be able to talk to that one ginger tom, apparently, not me though." She recalled a time when Summerclan brought in a bunch of new cats, some sort of visitors or something, when she was young. Too small to understand, too distracted to care. She'd kept herself very busy, bossing around the other kits, making new games to play with, trying to sneak out, to get her mind off things. It worked, for a little while, before she couldn't ignore it any longer. It all caught up eventually, came crashing and burning when Shadedsun's body was brought back to camp. His funeral had been a blur, but she remembered being asked why she didn't seem too sad about it.
"That's all I remember of you, and that's the worst part isn't it. I haven't seen you this happy before. And both of you are stupid, and idiotic, and immature, and I can't trust you. Thanks for nothing." She finished on a lower note, exhaling deeply, as if all the weight had been lifted. It hadn't, not yet. She stared at Shadedsun directly now, and a part of her reveled in the hurt she saw, the way he felt bad as if it mattered now.
He was thinking of a million excuses, a hundred different things to say to justify what he did—I wasn't in the right mind, I was greiving too, I felt too bad, I was planning to get better—but instead, he settled on a simple, incredibly defeated, "I'm sorry." And that was all. There wasn't anything he could really say other than that. He hadn't realized just how much he had failed, and it hurt to be faced with it all now.
Doe listened in silence, trying to remain as open-minded and patient as possible. Lilydawn was the only cat he'd ever have allowed to talk to him in this way, but allow he did - told himself very maturely that he was glad for it, for this chance to grow and be better. Those were very grown-up thoughts and he was very proud of them, even if they weren't entirely the truth. But they were halfway there. He wanted a relationship with his daughter, and so he'd take this and try to learn. While she verbally decimated Shadedsun, Doe's gaze travelled steadily back and forth between them, his tail subtly brushing around across the forget-me-nots to twine comfortingly with Shaded's. He'd never properly talked about Shaded's brief life after Doe's death, however, and he couldn't pretend he wasn't interested. At 'that ginger tom', he turned his head and frowned questioningly at Shaded, something of an accusation in his gaze. Chim had told him he'd briefly sheltered in SummerClan until he and the other WaterClan refugees were chased away, but Doe hadn't known they had spoken. It made him feel inexplicably affronted, that these two toms, their only connection being him, had met on the stage he had vacated. Without him. His good forepaw tapped tunelessly against the ground like a hare's foot, displeased at not having been told, until he noticed and stopped it. He quirked his eyebrows to dispel the scowl that had begun to darken his features, licking his lips and tilting his head as he replaced it with a calm smile.
I haven't seen you this happy before. The sad guilt of that dashed any selfish displeasure and he looked at Shadedsun again, his soft brows drawing together in quiet worry. For so much of his life with Shadedsun, he had been nothing but smiles and laughter. To think that Lily had never seen that, that he hadn't been that for some time, broke his heart. He turned his head back to Lily when she directed more insults at the both of them. When Shaded apologised, Doe let out a sympathetic little sound in his throat and leaned over to push his forehead against the tom's cheek reassuringly. The first hurdle was over. He lingered for only a moment before lying back to face their daughter.
"O-kay!" Doefreckle exclaimed cheerfully, trying to lighten the extreme tension that had fallen over the little clearing and the fractured little family within. "Well, I'd agree with stupid, idiotic and immature - wouldn't you, Shaded?" He glanced at him for only a second before looking back at Lily. "Admittedly," he nodded his head to the side, unable to resist the instinct to be a little fastidiously obnoxious, "the first two are synonyms, but I think I get the gist. I'll also add that Shaded," he looked at him, "you have a victim complex, and me, I- well, what don't I do? What aren't I?" He held his good paw to his chest, leaning slightly forward as he posed the rhetorical question. He was going to say that he was more concerned with how something looked than whether or not he actually liked it, which was how they'd ended up with a daughter in the first place. But that was hurtful, and anyway it wasn't true anymore, so he held his tongue. "What I know for certain is that I self-destruct whenever I have something good in my life - and in this case, that's a daughter. But I'm not going to let that happen this time. I want you to be my - to be our - priority, Lil. My other children, they don't need me. They might like to spend time with me - but they don't need me. And I know you'll say you don't either, Lil, but I think you and I both know that's not true. You deserve a relationship with us if that's what you want, my love. I know what it's like to hate your father. I hated mine so much, more than I can even put into words. I still do. It took me years to get over my upbringing and, really, I still don't think I'm over it. But he didn't love me, Lil, not the way your dad and I love you. The last thing I want now is to think that I might be repeating the mistakes that he made, even if it's only that my own daughter doesn't feel like I don't care about her, like I wouldn't pull the moon from the sky for her. We weren't what you needed the first time round, Lil - we know that. I don't think we'll ever stop regretting it." He glanced at Shadedsun briefly, his eyes desperate despite his calm voice. He leaned forward slightly as he returned his attention to Lilydawn. "But we want to be now. All the mistakes we made, all the times we were too caught up in our own issues and our own lives to be there for you - all we want now is the chance to love you."
He didn't even think twice about speaking for Shadedsun. For so long they'd just been a 'we.' As far as he was concerned, they always would be. His eyes, worried and soft and broken and pleading, didn't leave Lily's.
All we want now is the chance to love you. She almost scoffed. Instead her face contorted into one of almost discomfort, like the words hurt to hear. She almost laughed. "You think there's anything here to love?" She didn't find it funny, but a smirk forced itself onto her face regardless, "I mean, be my guest, but there's nothing here worth it, really." She gestured vaguely at herself. There was a sarcastic note to her words, and it was aggressive, but not in the way her anger was. She hadn't yet cured the poison inside of her, all the dirty, mucky issues and her hatred and bitterness, the way she felt the world was always out to get her. And at Doe's words, about how he still wasn't over his past, his father, it didn't give her a lot of hope. She didn't want to be stuck like this forever, in the endless loop she'd gotten herself into, but she didn't know how to fix it.
"That can't be true," Shadedsun spoke softely now, and while his words were more somber, there was still a light to them. Because he did love her, in the way that he was supposed to, in the way he had when they first found her, if not even more. Because now they were beginning to know each other, and he could love her for her instead of loving her for being his daughter. "If it were, we wouldn't be talking right now. I know you don't believe us right now, but we can try, we can show you!" He lifted his head, giving a hesitant smile, a light one, because he wanted to try even if he hadn't been ready quite yet. They could try to get to the point where they didn't need to be told their faults anymore, that they could fix it and get better and be something, even if it wasn't quite a family.
"Hm," and that was all she gave. A simple noise of acknowledgement, of thought, while she turned the words over in her mind.
Doe's face when she made the self-hating quip was sad - just pure, honest sadness. Because he'd spent so much of his life despising himself and the way he was - he still did, really, though he was getting better - and he knew Shadedsun was much the same, and now, to hear their daughter speak of herself like that... It broke his heart. In the quietest way possible. Just a little crackling, like ice that doesn't break in one, clean cut - it fractures like cold sugar dust. There was so much self-hatred around them, in the world and in their camps and in their friends - to think it was in his daughter, too, was more hopeless melancholy than he could bear. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was, how he could tell she was smart and brilliant and witty from only their one afternoon together and their few moons when she was a kit, and he wondered, for the first time in his life, if that was how others had felt when they'd seen that self-disgust in his own eyes. He wondered if, looking at him from the outside, they'd just seen a sweet, gentle tom with beautiful brown eyes who could have been so happy, and they'd felt their hearts break, too. At the waste. At the blindness. At the lies they all told themselves. Seeing it laid out in front of him like that, seeing it in Lilydawn - it was so simple. So achingly simple. She deserved to be happy. He wanted more than anything to make her happy. It hurt him down to his soul that she wasn't. Every problem was so easily solved, every pain could be cured, nothing was terrible or awful or terrifying - he wanted to draw it all apart for her like cobwebs and show his daughter all the light that was just on the other side of them, all the light she deserved to have. His heart ached with it.
But he couldn't. That was her journey to go on. He couldn't do it for her, much as his throat closed up at the thought of how much he wanted to. If he - selfish, self-absorbed Doefreckle - could have taken all her pain onto himself and leave her free, he would have. And it was in that moment, for the very first time, that he thought he understood what it was supposed to be like to have a child.
He could have joked something back like 'well, I think Shadedsun and I have both felt much the same', or something about self-hatred crossing the generational lines or haunting the most miserable family on earth or something, but he didn't. It wouldn't have helped. He was learning that. So, instead, he leaned back a little straighter like he was shrugging off the awkwardness with cheer and said chirpily, "it's always much harder to get to know each other artificially than it is to just spend time together - I think we all shudder at ice-breaker questions - and it's especially difficult when the ones involved are supposed to be parent and child. So I think it's just best if we all acknowledge that - this is gonna be awkward as hell. For a fair while, probably. It was awkward for me and Shaded too, Lily, don't think it's just you - we didn't know how to act around each other for weeks." He looked at the tom beside him as he spoke. "So we can just all let out a breath and recognise, yeah, this is gonna be horrible. Pardon my crassness. But, if we keep at it, it will get better - and we'll keep at it for as long as you'll let us, Lil. That being said, let us all turn to the oldest question in the book:" Doe leaned a bit closer to his daughter and, scooting his forelegs slightly forward, pressed his forepaws together. His voice was slow, self-mocking, like it was a joke the three of them were in on. "Lily. Do you have any hobbies? Do you like... what do they have in WinterClan? Uh, snow? Do they even have flowers up there?" He turned slightly to look over at Shadedsun, genuinely asking the question with a frown on his face. "Do you remember? It's a blur." He turned back to Lilydawn. "Anyway - hobbies. It hurts for me to say, too." He gave a little laugh, shoulders shaking once.
Anyway - hobbies. It hurts for me to say, too. She let out a sharp exhale through her nose, something almost close to a laugh, because it was such a strange question to hear from him. Like they had just met for the first time and were trying to force polite small-talk. Though, she supposed, that was exactly what was happening.
"They do, just not a wide variety. I prefer Springclan's. . ." Her eyes drifted to Shadedsun briefly, and he lit up a little at the mention. She'd never questioned why he had left, why he hadn't just taken her to his clan instead. If he had, maybe everything would have been a bit more okay. She hadn't particularly been interested in them at first, but they were customary for making graves look a little more alive and loved, and eventually she'd grown a liking towards them. She enjoyed their wide variety of colours. Other than that, she hardly had any hobbies. In all honesty, she didn't do much at all, and maybe that was why the days always felt so dreadfully long, because they were so empty and barren and unenjoyable. She tended to skip out on conversation, avoid clanmates when she could, not at all like the life she'd envisioned when she left.
"I don't really, I guess." She shrugged, hunching over into herself, making her look a little smaller than she actually was.
Shadedsun laughed, turning towards Doefreckle, "Hobbies? That's what you got?" He teased, as if he hadn't been the one to ask Rosethorn a shamefully similar question. What were you supposed to ask when trying to get to known your daughter, anyway? He rolled onto his back, relaxing himself a bit more. He didn't offer anything else, didn't think he could. Really, he didn't do much—he rather enjoyed keeping his daily stressors on the downlow until he was ready to get back into the swing of things. Eventually. Some day, whenever that may be. Lilydawn gave a slight smirk, a flash of a smile, but she had settled in a sort of uneasy awkwardness, because she'd never expected to get this far with them, to just sit there and chat like it was a regular sunny day.
"Do—Do you? Other than, I don't know, coming back to life occasionally?" Her tone was deadpan, a small sprinkle of that intensity that she always seemed to carry with her, even if she had no energy to use it. "Really, I don't think this is working."
Doe smiled, pleased and happy, when Lily mentioned SpringClan and Shaded perked up; he looked from their daughter to Shaded and back, eyes bright and warm.
“Oh, shut up,” Doe growled back at Shaded harmlessly, “like you’re just full of suggestions.” He turned back to Lilydawn with a smile. “No, honestly I think we’re the three most extracurricular-less creatures on the planet. It’s kind of a relief. I thought I was the only one. The other night…” He trailed off; whatever he and Shaded were it still wasn’t kind to mention his flings to his face, and it probably wasn’t the best idea to let Lily know that her dad was… well, a tart. And the things he did like he couldn’t exactly mention either. “The other night someone asked me what I liked to do and I could literally think of nothing. So thank god it’s not just me.” He laughed, and it was a bright, genuine sound. He didn’t ordinarily notice all that much if a situation was awkward and this was no exception. Obviously he knew, but he was bouncy enough to still feel relatively comfortable in it.
Really, I don’t think this is working. “Oh, come on, Lil, we’ve only just started. And yes, that’s a threat - we will, whether it takes us a moon or a year, be a family.” He set his gaze on Shaded first and then Lily. If he had two functional forepaws, he’d have grabbed one each of theirs to really force them into this indoctrination ceremony he wasn’t going to let them out of. His eyes lost their intensity and softened again as he relaxed slightly and slumped a little against the earth, dropping his perfect posture. “It’ll take time. You can go now if you’ve had enough for today - we’re not going to make you stay, my love. And we won’t set a… a schedule for when we have to see each other, not if you don’t want. It can just be whenever you fancy coming to see us - or we can come to you. Or meet on neutral ground. Whatever will make you comfortable, in your time. When you’re ready. We’ve got all the time in the world, haven’t we, Shaded? I doubt death will come for us twice.” He looked back at Lily and smiled, eyes gentle and patient and understanding. “Or you can stay. It’s up to you.” Doe finally gave in and flopped onto his side, rolling slightly so he was looking up at his daughter upside down with his broken paw resting like a rabbit’s on his chest. “But if you do, Lil, you have to relax, okay? Yeah it’s excruciating. Yeah it’s awkward as hell. So what? I saw you puke up a ladybug when you were little. Weird crap is part of being a family.” He’d dropped the dad voice and was just being Doefreckle now, dry-humoured and casual.
Shadedsun groaned dramatically, covering his face with his paws, "I know, I know—I asked Rosethorn 'tell me about yourself,'" He still couldn't help but wince at the complete lack of social skills, but at least it wasn't just him. Talking, connecting to others, had been difficult since he'd come back to life, so he tried to avoid it altogether.
—we will, whether it takes us a moon or a year, be a family. Shaded could only nod enthusiastically in agreement, because before he died it was the thing he'd most wanted. It had almost happened, they'd been so close to something, but it seemed a part of it had died with Lilydawn's siblings. And, as guilty as he was to think it, he wanted them to be able to have one, even if it were without them. Lilydawn looked down at her paws, examining them a moment like they were the most interesting things on earth.
". . . Alright," it was nice to be considered, to have her feelings put at the forefront, despite what they may want themselves. She'd always felt she was on the backburner, an afterthought. Lilydawn didn't get up to leave like Doe had suggested, instead shifted into a more comfortable position. The grass was no longer being torn up beneath her. I saw you puke up a ladybug when you were little. She laughed a little, a quick exhale, because it was so strange being told things she didn't remember. Nobody was really around to share embarrassing stories of her childhood, and everything she knew came from her (slightly faulty) memory. She'd never thought of the little moments.
"Can you tell me more?" She asked quietly, and she hoped he picked up the message that she wasn't only talking about herself.
“Really? Rosethorn and I just flirted with each other.” He looked away with casual disinterest, no context, like he wasn’t gay and her husband hadn’t just left her for another woman.
At Lilydawn’s little laugh, Doe’s smile grew, his eyes brightening. “Well,” he began, still lying half on his back. He looked up at the sunlight filtering through the leaves as he thought for a few moments. “When we first found you, Shaded and I and the two other leaders, Shaded and I had only known each other for a few weeks. We’d met at a Gathering - it was my first one as leader and I was still going by Doefreckle because Ravenstar, she had only just told me she was going to step down. And I’d only been in SummerClan for about two moons before this - before that I’d been in BrookClan, which you might just remember - so I was absolutely thrown for a loop. And Shaded - I think it was his first Gathering too as leader?” He looked at him for verification. “And, well, first I fell into the Gathering and landed on the FallClan medicine cat’s paws just as she was talking crap about the new SummerClan leader - i.e, me. And then I couldn’t find the other leaders because I had no idea what they looked like, so I was just kinda creeping among all the cats going,” he dropped his voice to a stage whisper, “‘are there any other leaders here?’ And Shaded saved me. So then we became friends. And when we first found you, Shaded was the one who was absolutely smitten. It was literally love at first sight. He immediately got down and cuddled up with you all because you were shivering - the real reason none of us could part with you was because he would have clawed all our ears off. He was in love.” He looked at Shaded with a smile on his face and a quietness in his eyes, and the look meant something else.
“So when we decided we’d take you home to the Clans, all of us had about a dozen suggestions each for names - I don’t remember my name ideas, probably something florally, I was going through a phase; so, actually, Lily might have been mine - and that’s how you got your names. No, I think mine was apple… Anyway, god, you were a handful. I never got any sleep when it was my turn to have you because you’d be climbing my den and I’d have to either pull you down if I could reach you or wake up a warrior and say, ‘so sorry, my daughter’s gone up the tree again, can you go fetch her?’ And then I, the leader, Lily, would have to stand there apologetically while a warrior went and dragged you down from the bloody beech. So of course they’d get the day off from patrols because they spent half the night chasing after the leader’s daughter. But they all loved you. They used to call you Lilystar because they all knew you were the real leader whenever you came to stay. And, Christ, there was this time you thought it be a good idea to go and find some lily-of-the-valley - which, wonderful, it has your name; only thing is, it’s poisonous.” Doe’s voice, like when he’d been speaking of the beech tree, took on an air of deep, sarcastic annoyance and frustration and bone-deep exhaustion at the child tyrant that had been Lilykit; but it softened again as he continued. “So I stayed up with you the whole night while Greythorn made sure you vomited it all up, and I’ve never been so scared in all my life. I wanted to yell at you but all I could do was pray over and over and over to gods I’d started to turn my back on that I’d do anything for them if they’d let you be okay. But you were back on your feet the next day and I’d never been more thankful to be able to go back to going,” he dropped his voice to a hiss, remembering how embarrassed he’d been at the fact everyone knew he couldn’t control his child and how quiet he’d tried to keep his inability to manage her as a result, hoping no one would notice when of course they did, “’Lily—Lily— Lily, I swear to god— Lily, get down.’”
He purred. “But I loved every second of it, even if I’ve never been so tired in my whole life.” He grinned at Lily upside down. “No one else has ever challenged me like you did.”
