Eshek

On a scale of 1-10, how hot are you?
Oh, baby girl, it’s so cute that you think a 10 is high enough for me. You must be new.

What…..Are you…….?
Out of your league.

Why do you deserve to be prom queen?
Honey doll, the list would be shorter if I said why I didn’t deserve it. That one might go somethin’ like multiple counts of murder and general dubious morality, but a) who doesn’t find that crap kinda hot - you’re lyin’ if you say you, your face’s too pretty to be borin’ as a stiff -, and b) they’re only turn offs if you’re a prude. Are you a prude, doll? No? Then the other list is too long. Here’s some highlights, though: I’m hot, I’m fun, I’m sexy - and yeah, that’s different to hot. I can kill a man with a bottle cap, and I know what a bottle cap is. I break the laws of physics on a daily basis - you ever seen a cat operate heavy machinery or rob a convenience store? You have now - and I do it with style your mommy wishes to hell she had. Tell her I say hi, by the way.

Who gave you the right to be so damn cute?
Whoever it was that gave you the right to give me your number. Cough it up, sweet cheeks. Be a good girl for me.

What would your perfect date be?
My. Perfect. Date. Am I allowed to say [beep, beep, beepbeepbeep, beeeeeeeeeeep]? No? Well, who’s gonna be watchin’ this show? Toddlers? Damn, okay, it’s ‘cuz you’re a public-owned company, ain’t it? You gotta play to their fiddle tune. I get it. I don’t judge the little man. Get your bread. My perfect g-rated date would be on a lil’ boat out on a big, sparkly lake, or on a calm sea. Big night sky, a million billion stars, all that black water. Somewhere where my date’s glowing acid green eyes would look really good - the date doesn’t have to have glowing acid green eyes, I just picked that as an example. A random example. They can have non-glowing-acid-green eyes, too. Maybe ordinary green. Y’know, green like- like Foxstar’s, or Pinesimmer’s, or Bermondsey’s, or Funk’s. Don’t print that last name. This won’t be printed? Oh, good. [The contestant appeared to forget she was being filmed.] Oh, also, can you put my name as Carriondare? Yeah, C-a-uh, rrion. Dare. Yeah. What are you askin’ why for? It’s none of your business. What was the question again? Oh yeah, my perfect date. Mmmmmmmm. Did I say that thing about the boat already? I did? Good. Well, there’d be a cat’s severed head too, obviously, to hold the canapés. I’m not cheap. Roasted apples in the eye holes, pears in the gaping mouth. I don’t like all that fancy DayClan food but I think my date would. And then just when you think it’s peaceful, there’d suddenly be fireworks. [Here the contestant threw her forepaws in the air, miming explosions.] And the sea would suddenly change into a theme park rollercoaster, so you’d be plunging down a tunnel and you’d have to hug your date, y’know? I tested this out with a shopping trolley, it works. But then when you get to the bottom, instead of there bein’ a gigantic splash, it’s suddenly peaceful, and there are pink glowing lanterns floating everywhere and stars sparkling in the water, and you just float through it all with maybe some music playing. And something with blood has to be thrown in somewhere, I haven’t worked that part out yet. Leuc- my date has-would-uh, would have a thing for blood. I mean, who doesn’t? Aha. And then at the end we’d [beep, beep] [beep] [beep, beep, beeeeeeeeep, beep—] [Here, we slowly faded to black, because the contestant went on for a further two hours and our camera operator had to call her therapist.]

What makes you different from other contestants?
Well, what’s the list? Is Foxstar on it? [Here the contestant looked visibly concerned.] Uh, whatever, it’s fine, I can beat her. She’s hot but I’m like ten years younger. That’s gotta count for somethin’. Uh- what was the question? [Still noticeably rattled.] No, no, yeah, different from the other wanna-bes, right. Well, I mean, I don’t wanna be catty ‘cuz you know I’m all about that women’s suffrage, but they’re small fries. They know it, I know it, who are we kiddin’? [Here the contestant lounged against the sofa.] They’re all cute, sure - but cute’s got nothin’ on killer queen. Deputy, leader’s wife, run of the mill soldier - come back when you’ve given yourself a prisoner blood facial. Speakin’ of, I gotta go sabotage the prom king debate. There’s only one real winner there, too.

What do you want to gain out of the queen experience?
I’ve never been totally clear on this - do I become an actual queen? Like, crown, sceptre, potential for tyranny? Cuz I’ve always been iffy about leadership but I think I’d make a pretty spectacular tyrant. Oh, it’s just metaphorical? Then, god, I dunno, I hope I gain some free food or somethin’. I saw those free sandwiches out there for the film crew. Can I have one?

If you could create and enforce one rule that all the clans had to follow, what would it be?
Oh, so there is the potential for tyranny? Damn, make up your mind. Uh, I guess I’d bar toms from leadership positions. They’ve had their fun. It’s our turn.

Question 1 continued:
Oh, and since Ber and Luc got nominated for this thing too I’ll answer for them as well. I’m not allowed to do that? What are you, a damn communist? Get outta my face. [Here in the footage there was a gap of 3 minutes and 27 seconds. When filming resumed, the camera was at a distinct angle. We are investigating the incident and apologise for any inconvenience.] Remember what I said about your family - I ain’t playin’ around. Anyway, as I was sayin’, Bermondsey is a strong 7. 7 and a half on a good day, but don’t tell him I said that. He’s got a pretty face, y’know? Kinda like a girl. Scrawny, but some people like that. Shows you got that big brain that’s gonna do your taxes for you and stuff, y’know, always worryin’ off their dinner. Leucisticcrow is an 11, or maybe even whatever comes after 11 - I dunno, I didn’t make it that far in preschool. Anythin’ after 11 and I just go ‘really big, a huge amount of a lot.’ Leucisticcrow is a huge amount of a lot. He’s got that shiny fur - I dunno how he keeps it so shiny, I’ve been wantin’ to ask since we met but it’s weird, y’know? Like, I know that cousin or whatever of his does that whole shebang of herbal skincare but does Luc do it too? And he’s got that- heh, that crooked smile, and that nipped in waist, and-and- [Here the contestant suddenly looked horror-struck and wiped visible saliva from her mouth.] Hey, a girl’s allowed to drool and think impure thoughts about her best friend, it’s normal. Anyway, I gotta go. I can’t leave yet? Watch me, bubs.









Do I look good? Should I pose more like this?

Oh, the interview’s over?

CANDIDATES PLEASE ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS (Answer in the voice of your character)
On a scale of 1-10, how hot are you?
Does it really matter? Well since it's winter, I'll say probably a 4. It's not really all that warm right now....god shut up, I know what they mean. I just don't care to answer these kind of questions anyway.

What.....Are you.......?
The question is...what are you? Surely you must be some cross between an idiot and an imbecile to ask a question like this, no?

Why do you deserve to be prom king/ queen?
It doesn't matter, because one day I'll be king. You don't get a say in who I am or what I do, after all. Even if I don't deserve the world, I'll be out to get it, don't you forget it.

Who gave you the right to be so damn cute? ♥
My....mother? She's the one who...gave birth to me I suppose...

What would your perfect date be?
Not falling to my death on some broken glass, thank you very much. (glares at Eshek) I'm not really into what everyone calls 'love' so don't ask me.

What makes you different from the other contestants?
Well for a first, I don't have a stupid name like Eshek's other name that's too long to pronounce.

What do you want to gain out of the king or queen experience?
Getting a castle or something nice. Maybe throw in a throne or something too.

If you could create and enforce one rule that all the clans had to follow, what would it be?
What's the point of having one rule? Can that rule be giving me 3 more rules?

HYSTERICSTAR

On a scale of 1-10, how hot are you?
Look at me. This was a joke, right? Who even nominated me, anyway? They must either be blind or have some issues they need to work through. Unless this was a prank, in which case, I hope they're satisfied with themselves right now.

What.....Are you.......?
You act like you've never seen a hairless cat before. Oh, was that not what you meant? Well, in that case... 'A monster' is one that I've heard plenty of times in my past. Scary, a plague, a crazy weirdo, a sick little weakling with no future. I've heard many names. There was only one who called me perfect, a genius, and very few who have called me their friend. What do you think I am?

Why do you deserve to be prom king/ queen?
There are many that say that I don't deserve it, and I'm one of them. Not for any reason like 'there's so many better options than me' or anything. Nor is it because of anything that I've done - yes, I've done some things that others would consider questionable, but most of the other candidates have as well, so who is really to judge? I just don't care. I've got many other things to be doing right now, I hardly get any time to myself anymore.

Who gave you the right to be so damn cute? ♥
. . . . You definitely need some celandine. Something is definitely wrong with your eyesight.

What would your perfect date be?
A nice Newleaf day, far enough away from Leafbare. At the Secret Garden. Surrounded by plenty of herbs, alone - pardon? Someone else? Why would I be enjoying a day off with someone else around? Fine, they can help pick some herbs. But only with my instructions - they might end up ruining the roots or eating something that they shouldn't.

What makes you different from the other contestants?
I really don't particularly care.

What do you want to gain out of the king or queen experience?
Some peace and quiet would be absolutely wonderful right about now.

If you could create and enforce one rule that all the clans had to follow, what would it be?
How about 'less drama at gatherings'. Getting rather tired of everything exploding all the time. It would be nice to make it out of a gathering without an attempted murder, just once, wouldn't it?

On a scale of 1-10, how hot are you?


Too hot for the Sun God to handle.





What.....Are you.......?


Legendary.





Why do you deserve to be prom king/ queen?


I killed a god and married a princess. Could I be more qualified?





Who gave you the right to be so damn cute? ♥


…Jetfire.





What would your perfect date be?


It would be a perfect warm day, lazy dragonflies and all, and we'd find a quiet honeysuckle field to spend the day in. Jetfire would hunt down some prey for us to eat while I'd check out the local herbs, and then we'd come back together to cuddle and eat our dinner. I don't care what we do, I just want to be with her; to hold her close and feel her purr and look into her starlight eyes and say, "hey honey, what do you think Chim is doing right now?"





What makes you different from the other contestants?


I still have my sanity.





What do you want to gain out of the king or queen experience?


I heard there's a buffet?





If you could create and enforce one rule that all the clans had to follow, what would it be?


[Firetooth stares across the line of contestants at Phantomfox.] Any cat that harms a mother is an enemy of the clans and should be hunted without mercy.

Rosethorn

On a scale of 1-10, how hot are you?
Starclan this is going to sound conceited, but I'd put myself at about a 9. I take good care of my coat and I've got good coloring. I would say my pelt is my best feature, though my eyes are a close second. Of course, my real winning trait is my personality. Don't look so judgmental! I haven't always felt loved, so I had to learn to love myself best of all.

What.....Are you.......?
I feel like I've been a lot of things throughout my life. I've held the title of daughter, sister, friend, lover, mate, mother. I've been a kit, an apprentice, a garden keeper, a deputy, and then a queen. I haven't always been perfect in every role I've played, but that's life, isn't it? We're always changing, always becoming, always healing and growing and hurting again.

Why do you deserve to be prom king/ queen?
I feel like I should get at least one good thing in my life, right? I mean hell, I'm a single mom now and I was cheated on and I stepped down from my deputy position. And look at me, I'm still fighting. So I deserve the title of prom queen because of... persistence, I guess?

Who gave you the right to be so damn cute? ♥
Aw, you're so sweet! I think you're just as cute <3

What would your perfect date be?
In my younger years I would've said some raucous adventure full of flirtation and fun. But now that I'm getting older, I think I'd like something quieter and sweeter. Maybe a day out in the wildflower fields? I did the whole complicated romance thing, and it didn't work. Now I just want soft moments with real connection, deep understanding, and that unspoken vulnerability you get around someone you know you can trust with anything.

What makes you different from the other contestants?
I mean, aside from my stunning looks and captivating personality, who else here can say they became deputy with absolutely no fighting experience and a crippling fear of blood and death?

What do you want to gain out of the king or queen experience?
An eternally preserved flower crown. All the ones I make eventually die, which is a shame.

If you could create and enforce one rule that all the clans had to follow, what would it be?
One rule for every clan? I don't know... seems a bit tyrannical. I know a few tyrants personally, and I have to say I'm not a fan. I guess I'd outlaw conquering other clans and subjugating them to your whims.